Because ‘tis the season you dread (Ouch, the heat!) and look forward to (Oh, the beach!) at the same time, you know it’s already ‘summer in the Philippines‘ when (in no particular order)…

1. The Kapamilya, Kapatid, and Kapuso networks release their Summer Station IDs. That’s when summer in ‘Pinas officially starts, kababayans.
2. You catch Summer Fever. It’s when the temperature reaches 40 degrees Celsius—yes, the weather is much warmer than your normal body temperature! Not cool.
3. Everyone gets hot-headed and annoying, including you. Please refer to #2 for further explanation.
4. Your dialog every hour especially if you’re outdoors is “Angineeet,<insert curse here>!”
5. All you want for breakfast, lunch, merienda, and dinner is halo-halo, mais/saba con yelo, ice cream/drop/candy/buko/tubig, or samalamig. Forget brain freeze.
6. You think of kumikitang-kabuhayan by selling all of the above because that’s what everybody wants. You could be a millionaire, too.
7. You start to question how the hell the great Francis M. came up with “cold summer nights.”
8. Malls become the masses’ haven on Earth. Free A/C, anyone?
9. Movie houses become the masses’ bedroom. Pay P200+, and you can sleep and snore away!
10. You suddenly miss the finale of every ‘Palibhasa Lalake’ episode when they’d throw buckets of water at the guests.
11. Public transportation gets more challenging (as if finding one isn’t yet tough enough) as you brave the unspeakable stench and sweat of your co-passengers amid the everyday traffic chaos.
12. Everyone you know is on a diet. At least until after they’ve gone to the beach to brag their Baywatch-worthy bodies.
13. Longganisa or sausage fashion strikes again since most people believe that summer gives you the right to wear sexy even if you’re not.
14. The shortest shorts in the history of womankind, which we shall call the ‘pak na pak’ shorts, are on display on the streets. Worn by our sisters, of course.
15. Your Facebook becomes a Bodybook. On your News Feed are shameless full-body shots of your contacts in bikinis and trunks. To unfollow or to unfriend, that is the question.
16. Mom furiously delivers a one-hour sermon to the entire household once she receives the electricity bills.
17. You fantasize living in an igloo.
18. You seriously consider applying for a Polar Bear Whisperer post, so you can move to the North Pole legitimately.
19. Beach Boys is what you listen to day and night. Because you want to go surfin’ in La Union or go to a place called Kokomo.
20. Surprise, surprise! Couples stop being clingy because they’re all sticky. Now, that’s one good thing you can benefit from the heat.
21. Beauty parlors and barbershops prosper. It’s the season of short to no hair, after all.
22. Sunblock and whitening lotions are nearly out of stock. Remember, Filipinos aspire to be the fairest of them all.
23. You need a good umbrella to fight off the sun and the slimmest possibility of getting darks-skinned (again).
24. A long-lasting deodorant is on your must-have list, along with your summer #OOTD.
25. You can’t go out without a stylish pair of sunglasses for your selfies with #japorms.
26. Taking a bath three times a day is a requirement. Anything less than that is a crime against humanity.
27. You lose count of out-of-office replies you get because many are on vacation leave. Even workaholics need to take a break, too.
28. People are busy researching about their summer destinations—preferably when the boss isn’t around.
29. Every employee is at their best to get a quick approval of their week-long vacation leaves. Of course, it helps when pasalubong is guaranteed.
30. You get invited by family and friends to have your one out of two major reunions of the year (Christmas being the other one) on the beach or in Tagaytay.
31. All of you volunteer to bring the undying adobo to your outing because it never ever gets spoiled.
32. You feel locked up in the office or classroom because summer means being free and having fun under the sun or in late-night parties.
33. Boracay and Baguio win hands down as the places to be, where you’ll find most of your kin and chums.
34. All resorts, even hot springs, are full. But why you’d want to swim in boiling water during summer remains a mystery.
35. You wonder yet again what “jasmine in my mind” means every time you feel the summer breeze.
36. You must go easy on sisig, lechon, chicharon, and everything else that can shoot up your high blood pressure.
37. The neighbor has chickenpox, cousin has measles, yaya has sore eyes, and you’re scared of being heat-stroked or sunburnt.
38. All you want to do is to lie down and sleep, no matter how hot it is.Jose Rizal was right about the climate’s impact on us all along.
39. You can’t help but dream of summer loving with a girl crazy for you or a boy as cute as can be. You need a sizzling non-fiction story to share with your Wattpad pals!
40. You count the days until the rainy season comes, but then you realize that summer is still your favorite time of year.

The post Summer in the Philippines: Top 40 Tell Tale Summer Signs appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

I know I’ve been a good girl, lalo na this year. Alam ni Lord na ginawa ko ang lahat upang maging isang mabuting girlfriend, loyal best friend at concerned citizen. I tried my best and gave my all to make this world a better place for all mankind – sad to say, hindi lahat ng efforts ko ay nagtagumpay at nasuklian ng mga ginintuang balato – I guess hindi lahat ng bagay sa mundong ito ay nakatakdang mangyari ayon sa kagustuhan ko. Aaminin ko, may times I questioned your existence every holidays – kasi naman, parang andaming okray na naganap sa buhay ko this year. Pero hindi bale, alam kong when God closes a door…ah basta alam mo na yun. Maaring may dahilan kung bakit nangyayari ito, but I still believe in world piece, so help me God. I thank you.

Simula pa sa pagkabata, laging sinasabi ni Nanay na magpakabait lang daw ako siguradong madami akong pwedeng hilingin sa yo. Pwes, since I believe and I insist na mabait ako, here is my wishlist for this coming holidays:

A fairier, clearer and flawless skin. Masyado talagang harsh ang weather at water dito sa Dubai. Miski anung gawin kong pagmo-moisturize araw-araw at gabi-gabi ay hindi pa rin ako tinatantanan ng mga blackheads at pimples. Sus naman, dalawang dekada na ang nakakaraan since my puberty days pero mala-teenager pa rin ang mga skin problems ko. Afraid ako na baka dumami ang mga wrinkles at magmistulang hand-carry luggage na ang mga eyebags ko. Kalabisan ba kung hilingin ko ang entire skin care line ng Kiehl’s ngayong Pasko? Balita ko effective daw yung brand na yun since ang mahal mahal nya sa Harvey Nichols. Can’t afford ang beauty ko – alam mo naman na pang-Karama at Outlet Mall lang ang totoong naaabot ng powers ng wallet ko. Over ba? O sige na nga, I’ll settle for Belo’s Skin Care na lang. Basta ba magiging mala-Regine Velasquez ang puti at kinis ng balat ko eh, carry na rin.

A new designer bag. Okay, alam kong guilty ako for patronizing fake branded bags noon – kesehodang Grade A o Exact Replica pa man din – aaminin kong peke pa rin sila. Pero iba pala ang feeling kapag orig at authentic ang bag ko – salamat sa aking jowang si Adam at nakatikim rin ako ng Louis Vuitton Speedy Handbag na tunay at binili sa Dubai Mall at hindi sa Dragonmart. Ngayon ay mas kampante na ako na hindi na ako ide-detain at ii-interogate sa tuwing may security check sa airport at confident na kasing mahal ng presyo nito ang pagmamahal ni Adam sa akin. Kaya lang medyo nakakasawa na rin kapag iyun lang kagi ang ginagamit ko. Sa office kasi andami ko pa rin kapareho – mga kapwa orig na gamit ng mga bossing ko at mga japeyk na walang pakundangan na pinangangatawanan ng mga kaopisina kong rank and file employees. Patigasan talaga ng mukha di ba? Sasamantalahin ko na ang pagkakataon: pwede bang humiling ng Hermes Birkin? Yung kulay pula tulad ng kay Gretchen Barreto? Sana din hindi na ako kailangang magpa-reserve pa at pumila upang maghintay sa wait-list nila. Maigsi kasi ang patient ko eh. Okay, kung suntok sa buwan yun, pwedeng Fendi Peek-a-boo na lang? Kulay Green? O kaya yung Chanel Classic Handbag na lang – yung parang kay Jinkee Pacquiao? Tagal ko na kasing pangarap din yun eh. Bahala ka na, Santa – basta huwag lang peke ha? Miski Secosana pa yan, tatanggapin ko ng buong puso – atleast pwede akong mag-feeling Claudine di ba?

DID YOU KNOW THAT ANNIE B IS A TOTAL FASHIONISTA?  CLICK TO READ ANNIE B.’S FASHIONISTA GUIDE 

A brand new iPhone 6. Dalawang taon ko na kasing pinagtyatyagaan itong First Generation iPhone ko na Made in China lang. Bale second phone ko talaga to since naka-iskor ako ng Blackberry (made in China din) noon sa Dragonmart. Eh naibato ko kasi kay ex-BFF ko yung Blackberry nung mag-away kami – feeling ko kasi mala-Cherie Gil ang emote ko noon at akala ko matutuloy nang ipa-block ang Blackberry dito sa UAE kaya akala ko okay lang na masira yun. Pero ngayon nanghihinayang na ako kasi hindi naman pala natuloy yung ban. Sana nakakapag-BBM pa rin ako. Pero nakita ko kasi yung bagong iPhone nung ka-carlift ko, ang gara pala! Eh nung nag-inquire ako sa Etisalat, bukod sa may pila din pala sa reservation at kung anu-anong requirement ang hinihingi eh ang dugo rin ng presyo! Kaya eto, back to my old First Generation Made in China iPhone ako. Ayaw na nga gumana eh, madalas lalong mag-hang. Tapos hindi ko pa ako maka-download ng mga applications like new games and ringing tones kasi nga absolute na rin yung system. Sawa na rin ako sa kaka-snake – baka mas may exciting pang-games dyan di ba? Balita ko dun daw sa iPhone4 pwedeng upload ng songs, balak ko sanang gawing ringing tone ang bagong theme song namin ni Adam, yung “OMG” by Usher.

Better TV shows on TFC and GMA Pinoy TV. Wish ko din Santa na sana, biyayaan mo ng cable subscription o mga bagong DVD ang mga writers ng mga teleserye at TV programs sa atin. Kasi nasusuka na ako sa paulit-ulit na lang na plot ng mga teleserye eh. Lagi na lang may ampon, may pinagpalit na identity ng mga sanggol, mga magkaaway na magkapatid pala in the end, mga kontrabidang fake ang accent at palpak ang diction at mga bidang nagpapa-api nang hindi na makatotohanan. Panahon pa ng “Gulong Ng Palad” at “Mga Yagit” yun eh. At para naman dun sa mga writer na nakakapanood ng ibang TV shows sa ibang bansa at panay lang ang kopya at gaya, sana naman eh may improvement at twists sa mga kinopya nyo. Baket, akala nyo mga wala ring cable at internet connection ang mga manonood kaya hindi namin malalaman na kinokopya nyo lang ang mga concept ng mga TV shows nyo? Kung hindi remake noong mga pelikula noong 80s eh kopya sa mga American TV shows – wala na ba kayong ibubuga? Great minds look-alike? I don’t think so not! Gawin nyo kayang teleserye ang buhay ko – baka mas madami pa kayong bago na maipalabas.

A new bestfriend. Nag-expire na kasi yung dati kong BFF. Akala ko, nakahanap na ako ng tunay at tapat na kaibigan na magiging supportive, loyal at understanding sa akin. Minahal ko sya at inalagaan ng lubusan, pero in the end eh dinaya, winalanghiya at tinarantado lang nya ako. Kamakailan lang, I discovered that she created a fake Fezbook account na puno ng ilusyon at kawalanghiyaan. Nagpanggap siyang girlfriend ng boyfriend kong kano, Santa. Ginaya nya lahat ng mga information sa buhay ko at nag-post sya ng mga pictures na kasama ang jowa ko. Initsa-pwera nya at gamit ang Photoshop ay nakuha nyang i-crop ang mga pictures ko with Adam at palabasin na sila ang magkayakap sa mga litrato. Nakaka-Single, White, Female talaga! Que Horor!

At nang i-report ko sa admin ng Fezbook ito ay gumawa na naman sya ng bagong fake account – this time kapangalan ko naman. Puro paninirang-puri at kasiraan ko ang mga pinaglalagay nya doon. Mga pictures ko habang natututulog (nakanganga pa at tulo-laway kadalasan), ang graduation picture ko kung saan tadtad ako ng tigyawat at mga pictures ng mga ex ko. Aaaaaayyyy, talagang napaka-walang breathing, Santa. Nagpa-add pa sya sa mga existing Fezbook friends ko at kung anu-anong kasinungalingan ang pinagsusulat nya sa Wall ng account na yun. Biruin mo, sinulat nya sa Wall na may BO at Halitosis daw ako??? Tapos may in-upload pa sya na video doon na isang Sex Scandal at tinag nya ako upang palabasin na ako yung nanduon sa video na yun. Pati sa mga albums ng mga nagtitinda ng mga fake handbags, ginawa nyang i-tag ang pangalan ko. Tapos panay pa ang send sa akin ng “Poke me…Poke me”… ang laswa ng hinayupak! Puro kasiraan talaga sa pagkatao ko.

Sana Santa, biyayaan mo ako ng bagong kaibigan na hindi gagawin sa akin ang mga ito. Yung hindi rin ako ipapahiya at aagawan ng jowa. Imagine, miski mas maganda ako sa ex-BFF ko eh ang lakas ng loob nyang kumpitensyahin ako? The nerves!

The love of my life Adam. Yes, Santa, I want him back! Buong-buo, walang bawas, walang kulang. As is, as if. Jusko, two weeks na akong hindi tinatawagan o hindi pinapansin ng aking boyfriend simula nang pag-awayan namin ang pagseselos ko kay ex-BFF. Kasi naman, imbes na kampihan nya ako versus dun sa mga ginawa ng traydor kong kaibigan eh gusto pa nyang intindihin ko at balewalain lahat ng nangyari. Sabi nya, since ako daw ang mas makakalamang at nakakaintindi, dapat daw ako ang mag-pasensya. Tama ba naman yun? Ano ganun na lang? Magpapa-api ako at hahayaan kong yurakan ang pagkatao ko ng impaktang beluga na yun? Ayaw. Dapat sa kanya ay magdusa habambuhay. Ipako sa krus…ibitay ng patiwarik at kaladkarin ng kabayo hanggang sa plaza – yan ang nararapat sa babaing yun! Lintik lang ang walang ganti, Santa!

Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko talaga mapalagpas ang mga pangyayaring yun dahil sa kinahinatnan ng relationship ko with Adam. Sabi nya, immature at childish daw ako and I need to grow up. Eh five kilos na nga ang itinaba ko simula nang ma-stress ako sa mga nangyari sa amin noh? Hindi pa ba sapat na growing up yon? Ano pa ba ang gusto nyang ilaki ko? Kapag ga-balyena na ang katawan ko? Ang harsh nun ah? Ilang texts at emails na ang pinadala ko kay Adam pero wa pa rin sya responds. Panay din ang missed calls ko pero hindi rin sya nagre-return call. Alam ko cheap ang mag miss call pero madalas talaga wala na akong load eh, what to do? Sana Santa, ma-realize ni Adam na mahal na mahal ko talaga sya at mapatawad na nya ako sa kung anu mang kasalanan ang nagawa ko sa kanya. Alam kong it’s my fault din naman kasi pilit ko syang tiniis at kinontra noon kaya eto ako ngayon, basang-basa sa ulan… magiging malamig talaga ang Pasko ko. Huhuhuhuhu…

So there, Santa. Sana mapagbigyan mo ang mga mumunting hiling ko ngayong Pasko. Pramis, titigilan ko na ang pag-stalk sa mga crush ko noong high skul sa Fezbook at sa Tweeter. Babawasan ko na din ang pasu-surf sa Pep.ph at kay Perez Hilton habang nasa opisina para mas maging productive ako sa work. Iiwasan ko na ring mamintas at maging mapanghusga sa mga tarsier kong kabayan, afterall isa na rin naman akong tarsier, Level D nga lamang. Basta, I promise to be a good girl.

Merry Christmas powh. Yazzzz!

Take care.

Xoxo. Hohoho! =)

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE ABOUT ANNIE B’S ADVENTURES AND MISADVENTURES IN THE BIG BAD CITY OF DUBAI 

The post The Annie B. Chronicles 45: Dear Santa appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

By Aby Yap

So, those years of being chummy with our classmates while toiling on crazy group reports/skits/games despite the pasaways who would have been evicted if only PBB already existed then (too bad it came too late) actually paid off. We’ve come out as the world’s indisputably fun, friendly, and fabulous people of all time — offline and online. Congratulations!

It must be the Pinoy’s bloodlines, or Mommy’s gripping influence. (Just think how she used to make tsika with everyone at school and how she ended up being elected PTA president year after year.) Who can really tell? We rule at being sociable and that’s always a good reason to party.

Who’s the Social Networking Bida?

Well, who else but the Philippines? That’s according to comScore, 24/7 Wall Street, and Universal McCann. It’s best not to argue with them.

If we were able to hold on to that “SMS Capital of the World” title for like, forever numbing our thumbs in honor of unli-texting (Globe/Smart/Sun, you owe us big time!), bagging another title such as “Social Networking Capital of the World” was no a surprise. Remember, it was us who breathed life into Friendster with our – who-can-get-the-most-testimonials contest and eventually killed it with our glitzy profile pages, hah!

So, out with Friendster and in with Facebook and Twitter lest Filipinos including our Jejemon kababayans would be homeless and lonesome online — something that’s utterly inconceivable, que horror! We just can’t Google, blog, wishful-shop, play Tetris, or Farmville every time we connect to the net; we need social connections. Naks!

Pinoy nature (or is that just a form of extended hospitality?) dictates us to (1) send “friend requests” to the entire clan from new-born to senior, (2) look for long-lost kindergarten/elementary/high school/college/MA/work/neighborhood pals/acquaintances, (3) post what’s on our minds not less than five times a day, (4) upload and tag photos/videos pre and post-digital age, (5) poke, like, comment, and reply “Thanks for the pokes/likes/comments,” (6) share links to the latest showbiz and/or barangay tsismis, (7) invite everyone to vote <insert name> for <insert title>, (8) subscribe to a million fan/group pages, (9) ask your family and friends to help build your house/farm/castle/city, (10) stalk, er, follow celebrities, your crushes and frenemies, and so much more!

But don’t ever mistake us for having nothing else better to do with our lives. Nah ah ah, “Filipino Time” wouldn’t have been coined if that was true.

FYI, we’re way too busy being on the lookout for the next Pinoy YouTube sensation, someone Ellen would want to guest on her show and Oprah would be a willing ninang to. We’re even quite ready to key in those two magic words for the nth time, “Pinoy Pride,” for the Whole Wide World to see.

Besides, we’re working twice as hard to steal the “Facebook Capital of the World” trophy from Indonesia’s 40-million users. Just 12-million more Pinoy sign-ups and we’ll be Facebook Bida soon. Super like!

How Social Networking Bibo Are You?

Nearly all Filipinos are sociable online, but some are more passionate (read: obsessed) than others. Let’s see how far you’ve gone.

You campaigned for Efren Peňaflorida, the Palawan Underground River, Shamcey Supsup, Jessica Sanchez, and others by sharing where-to-vote links (and/or how-to-multiply-vote “tips”) on your blog/wall/tweet.

During picture-taking, what you think about is whether anything would be good enough for your profile photo. You believe in weekly updating because you might have grown too fat/thin by then and your friends deserve to know.

At the height of Ondoy, you left a post/tweet informing everyone that you were logging out for a while since you had to move stuff to the rooftop before the floods ravage everything. Of course, you took your laptop first.

On some occasions, you added friends of your friends rationalizing that if they could be friends with your friends then they could also be friends with you. After all, that’s the essence of social networking, I thank you.

“My Relationship Status” reflects your love life status, immediately changing from “Single” to “In a relationship” once you and your honeybunch decided that you’re meant to be. Whenever you fight, though, you change it to “It’s complicated.”

You determine your family and friends’ moods based on their status updates. If there’s a parinigan vibe, you investigate the various comments on their posts and put into action your researching a.k.a uzi skills to understand the issue.

To find out where you are, who you’re with, and what you’ve been doing 24/7, all we have to do is to check out your wall posts. You’re actually doing potential kidnappers, akyat-bahay gangs, and their tribes a favor so they should thank you.

Here’s your idea of online bayanihan: wash my pet and I’ll fertilize your crops. And how about this one for online revolution: join the group page movement against Willie Revillame, electricity price hike, or whatever ticks you off.

You think in hashtags, therefore you aim for trending topics. You stay tuned to Vice Ganda’s too-many-to-mention hashtags, but you stay away from Mo Twister’s and Tim Yap’s. Mother Monster, please guide them. #PeacefulTwitterCountry

The supposed end of the world this year is no longer scary. You fear more for when Facebook timeline becomes mandatory. Nooooo!

The post Onli in da Pilipins appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

By Aby Yap

Hey Blood Sister, repeat after me!

I, (insert name), who hails from any of the 7,107 islands (during low tide) of the Philippines, acknowledge that we come in all shapes and sizes with various quirks (read: pagka-loka-loka) and goals. Despite our differences, however, we’re bonded by our fancy for endless tsika and showbiz tsismis, especially when trooping to the ladies’ room. We share varying degrees of annoyance when leering men wolf whistle at us every time we go out in sleeveless tops and shorts; moreso, when we’re referred to as “tsiks.” We belong only to one sisterhood, which we proudly call “The Filipinas,” and here we shall remain in mind, heart, soul, and deed.

Apir!

Pinay Power

But who is the Filipina?

According to the Oxford English Dictionary of many years ago, she was a domestic helper. Que barbaridad! Was that a joke? We’re more than maids and yayas; we’re also Japayukis and mail-to-order brides. We’re nurses, caregivers, beauty queens, performers, artists, teachers, entrepreneurs, soldiers, presidents, homemakers, and dreamers. Fortunately, that erroneous dictionary entry was corrected and the grave injustice against the Pinay rectified.

Why, she’s Gabriela Silang and Prinsesa Urduja whose courage in armed revolutions is legendary even in this century! She’s also lola, against whom you never won that childhood battle of siesta vs. palo. Even your parents couldn’t stop lola from giving in to your whims when she’s in that indulging grandma mood.

She’s Teodora Alonzo and Melchora Aquino, whose unconditional love and instinctive wisdom nurtured heroes in the process. She’s also nanay who has always known when you’re lying through your teeth (too bad), even when she’s oceans away tending to her employer’s kids. Yes, mothers know best.

She’s Ate Vi and Ate Guy, just as much as she’s Mara and Clara. She’s the big sister that we look up to. She’s also the daughter that we hope to raise to become a decent member of society. Please, inasmuch as we admire Freddie Aguilar’s OPM, we don’t ever want our story to turn into that Anak song or movie.

She’s Maria Clara and Salome, beautiful in their mestiza and morena looks and faithful to their lovers until the bitter end. She’s also Cory and Imelda, without a doubt the compelling force that propelled their spouses to their current place in history. (Hah, another reason why guys should trust that adage “Behind every successful man, there is a woman.” Be very careful in choosing a wife, indeed.)

In some instances, she could be Valentina whose ugly head of little, angry snakes might turn you into stone and leave a venomous picture of the Pinay. But she could also be Darna, far from the weak and meek Narda that others so misguidedly believe she is. She knows what she wants for herself. She knows what she’s set to do for her family, maybe even for the country. And she soars high to pursue it.

So, Ding, you can now throw that stone away. The Filipina can do without it.

Pinay Passion

Often, she can’t help it, it actually becomes an obsession – a rather expensive one.

Like flawlessly white skin that even Snow White would be insecured of. Sure, kayumangging kaligatan sounds romantic and everything, but the quest to be the fairest of them all is just too tempting – especially when everyone is getting in on the game and winning it can pave the way to your being an artista — the bida, ha! (Have you ever noticed that it’s the sweet tisay look that usually gets the starring role and the handsome leading man? Otherwise, you’re assigned as the mean kontrabida with the dark, pimply goon as your love interest.)

So, she develops a phobia of the sun and refuses to leave home without an umbrella. She goes into panic buying mode and grabs the whole load of products which promise an all-white existence — whitening soaps/facial creams/astringents/toners/exfoliants/lotions, glutathione capsules, etc —hoping against hope that she’ll be white in seven days. And of course, if there’s extra cash, Vicky Belo, Manny and Pie Calayan, and company will be too happy to help (getting richer in the process). But if the budget is tight, papaya soap and Chin Chan Su cream are the cheaper alternative. Warning: prepare your best deadma look should your family members start screaming or snickering at your Chin Chan Su-covered face.

If TV/radio ads and the billboards along EDSA dictate that skin is supposed to be white and smooth, then hair should be black and straight. No wonder thousands are spent on hair straightening, relaxing, rebonding, and reborn treatments. See, better penniless than a problem of society (though that kulot salot accusation is way below the belt). Besides, having black and straight hair is your ticket to finding a rich husband or becoming a model employee. Never mind the lack of logic. Just be glad and rejoice. Not!

Don’t forget the least attainable of these Pinay fixations: having a high-bridged nose, if not for herself (since getting a nose lift is costly) then at least for her future kids. Now, please, let go of that old practice of nose pinching with a clothespin. You know it can’t make you less pango. Hmmm, this one, though, makes a good excuse to work at yet another secret desire: the search for a Caucasian Prince Charming. Aminin!

But, you do realize that these guys go for that famous exotic Pinay look, don’t you? Your natural features already make you a catch and one lucky woman, ateh!

The post Onli in da Pilipins: I, Pinay appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

Surveying the hacienda from your terrace, you say to your little boy/girl, “Look around.  Everything that your eyes can reach shall be yours.” You smile smugly. The child gives you a weird look and yells for milk. Growing bored, you sprawl out on the divan next to a heart-shaped Arowana pond. You clap your hands three times and slaves looking like Piolo Pascual or KC Concepcion (take your pick) rush by your side and start feeding you mangga with bagoong. Or, tukneneng with sukang pinakurat.

It’s all up to you. It’s your fantasy. As dreamers would say, “Libre lang ang mangarap.”

 Lifestyles of the Lucky

Too bad for the bitter ampalaya, though. A few Pinoys were born rich, others are famous and have become rich, and some are just plain lucky that it hurts.

If your surname is Zobel de Ayala, Lopez, Cojuangco, Gokongwei, or any of the monosyllables Sy, Tan, Ty, Yap (Yup, I’m the missing heiress. Libre lang ang mangarap.), then Luxury is most certainly your middle name. It’s a given we already know by heart without any tinge of resentment. No news there. Boring. Blah.

So, we move on to more “interesting” personalities, how they spend their pesoses endlessly piquing our curiosity even as many of us slowly die from the Green Monster attacks. Oh, but how we love to be masochists time and again — not just during elections.

Especially when it’s about the Pacquiao family. If envy could strike, 94 million Filipinos would have been knocked out by now. And why not?

Manny is the PHP1.13 billion man. He’s got a mansion in General Santos City, South Cotabato with a swimming pool patterned after — surprise, surprise! — a boxing glove. His home in Los Angeles (in the US of A, not in Pampanga) is a US$2.16 million mansion. Recently, he joined Forbes Park’s roster of proud homeowners with a mansion worth a whopping PHP388 million! Bentleys, Lamborghinis, and Porsches are his garage toys, putting P-Noy’s second-hand 2007 Porsche to ukay-ukay level.

Wife Jinkee is every girl’s object of inggit with her PHP7 million yellow diamond earrings and indecent collection of designer bags: Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Birkin — apparently, nine Birkins are never enough. Wait, did you know too that she’s Paris Hilton’s new BFF? That’s ouch for you and Nicole Richie.

Party animal Mommy Dionisia, of course, is today’s most celebrated bag lady. Her PHP1 million orange Hermès bag says it all. Pretty much like Imelda and her 2,000 shoes or Gloria and her US$20,000 Le Cirque dinner.

Having chest pains already?

But we haven’t even gone to Willie and his wealth yet. Luxury vehicles including a PHP70 million yacht and a PHP200 million private plane; real estate including vacation houses, resorts, the Wil Tower Condominium, the Wil Theater Mall, the Wil Television Station (last one is a wild guess) — can you say Wowowee?

Or, shhh, the “PCSO bishops” and their Mitsubishi Pajero, Toyota Grandia, Mitsubishi Strada, Montero Sport, Isuzu Crosswind, and Nissan Pathfinder.

Hey, you still breathing? Chill lang!

Our Brand of Extravagance

While 0.1% of Filipino families (the so-called elite according to the 2006 Family Income and Expenditure Survey results) squander their cash on stuff that makes the rest drool, 99.9% of us choose to redefine what luxury is. As if we had any other options.

So, what if the coňo revel in their gorgeous PHP4 million Jaguar? You have your own chauffeur-driven Tamaraw FX! For just PHP20, you can ride/sleep with complimentary A/C while listening to Nicole Hyala and Chris Tsuper, and other snoring passengers. Kailangan pa bang i-memorize ‘yan? What do you need 350 kmph for anyway when bumper-to-bumper traffic is the norm in Metro Manila? Besides, it’s a jungle out there come rainy season; a Jaguar drowning in waist-high floods is a pretty frightful sight.

From the jungle, we fly to paradise. Oh, forget the “we.” Unless you’re part of Robert De Niro’s/, Madonna’s/Tom Cruise’s/Mariah Carey’s/ Samuel L. Jackson’s entourage, chances are you haven’t caught a glimpse of Amanpulo, where no ordinary Juan has gone before. With rates from US$800 to US$4,500 per night – excluding airfare (now you know why), we’d rather patiently wait for Piso Fares and go on plane trips even without the free Zesto and/or cupcake. Well, at least the goal to reach all 79 provinces of the Philippines is achievable in your lifetime.

So is going through life without ever having to do your laundry, iron your clothes, clean the house, cook meals, tend to your kids/pets, paint your nails, and make rounds in the neighborhood for the latest tsismis — thanks to Inday or Boy, our dakilang kasambahay. Having a domestic helper may be considered a luxury in other parts of the world, but definitely not in Pinas. She/He can easily be your distant cousin from a far-flung barrio hoping to try it out in the big city. So, you “welcome” her/him into your home, “give” her/him a monthly “allowance” of PHP2,000 (if you’re barat), and you don’t even have to agonize over SSS, NHIP, HDMF, 13th month pay, and VL/SL.

Indulging in your luho is very much possible so long as you have little cash to spare or huge doses of diskarte. A DSLR to join the in crowd? Test your haggling/combat skills in Hidalgo, Quiapo. Spa treatments? There’s always Manang Hilot and her classic ventosa massage. Buffet meals? Fiestas in the Philippines happen all year round; you might even be lucky to bring home some pabalot.

In the Philippines, there are pre-defined luhos to fit every lifestyle or well, pay grade. Libre mangarap, but in the Philippines, certain luxuries can be bought for a song!

The post Onli in da Pilipins: Luxury – Pinoy Style appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.