Which hugotero or hugotera are you?

By Aby Yap

“Kailangan pa bang sagutin?” With all that happened during the presidential elections, we’re pretty sure everyone has #Hugot — born out of bitterness, anger, frustration, etc.—without reservations. Only the depth of these bottled up emotions a.k.a. lalim ng pinaghuhugutan varies.  Which group of celebrated hugoteros and hugoteras do you belong to? Go, embrace the feels!

1. The Sawi

“Where do broken hearts go?” That’s the stinging #HugotQuestion for this Lonely Folks Club. Members range from men and women who’ve been left by once their significant others, now known as shameless others to those who’ve failed miserably to look for greener pastures that the only option left is to exit to Kish Island…yet again. Their pain is too great that it just brings about more questions. Can they find their way back into love in someone else’s arms? Or back home to ‘Pinas in case they decide that enough is enough?

2. The Seen-zoned

“Bute pa ang multo, nagpaparamdam.” Anyone who enjoys being haunted by ghosts must be desperately seeking attention (and is creepy). But who can blame them for this #HugotTampururotLine? This troupe generally consists of victims of unrequited love and unreplied messages. Of being smilingly told “Let’s just be friends.” by The One they’ve long dreamt of having kids with. Of getting “✓Seen” notifications in their FB messages without receiving any replies ever, grrr! Ouch, di ba? Truth be told, their inconspicuousness is more potent than Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak.

3. The Stuck

“May forever.” This is the #HugotClaim of people who choose to wait relentlessly. Some find it hard to move on from their past love, still clinging on to vows of togetherness even after years have passed. And there are many whose vehicles are unable to move—damn, not even an inch—helplessly caught in a traffic mess every day of their lives. As to who is having it worse is debatable. One thing is certain, though. This tribe deserves a monument in Luneta for being martyrs in romance and on the road.

   Onli in Da Pilipins: Who Got #Hugot?

4. The Solitary  

“What matters most is that we loved at all,” says the #HugotSong of this band of single ladies and gentlemen who play it solo for reasons only they know. They’re the NBSB (No Bae Since Birth), the ABMNB (Always the Bride’s Maid/Best Man, Never the Bride/Bridegroom), and those who purposely or accidentally miss the last trip down the wedding aisle. To be in a relationship is what most of them pray for just so they can finally relate to their theme song. Plus, it would be nice to call someone “hubby” or “wifey.”

5. The Senti

“Maglaro tayo ng kahit ano, huwag lang taguan. Kasi someone like you is hard to find.” Boom, tagos to the bones! This is a #HugotQuote example of those who are eternally in love can (annoyingly) come up with. After all, they’re the hopeless romantics and love fools in our midst whose only goal in life is to search for their soul mates—online or offline. Whether we like or loathe it, the craziness of the Inlababos Inc. is what makes the world go round and the Feb-ibig month worth celebrating somehow.

_____________________

ABY YAP

What makes the Pinoy tick? Aby Yap’s long-running column “Onli in Da Pilipins” often answers that question. She talks about artistas, the pabebe, and the familiar Pinoy life, turning it into something fun and extraordinary. With a talent for finding every Juan’s funny bone, Aby’s wit and obvious affection makes the Filipino a whole lot more lovable.

The post Onli in Da Pilipins: Who Got Hugot? appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

By Aby Yap

So, those years of being chummy with our classmates while toiling on crazy group reports/skits/games despite the pasaways who would have been evicted if only PBB already existed then (too bad it came too late) actually paid off. We’ve come out as the world’s indisputably fun, friendly, and fabulous people of all time — offline and online. Congratulations!

It must be the Pinoy’s bloodlines, or Mommy’s gripping influence. (Just think how she used to make tsika with everyone at school and how she ended up being elected PTA president year after year.) Who can really tell? We rule at being sociable and that’s always a good reason to party.

Who’s the Social Networking Bida?

Well, who else but the Philippines? That’s according to comScore, 24/7 Wall Street, and Universal McCann. It’s best not to argue with them.

If we were able to hold on to that “SMS Capital of the World” title for like, forever numbing our thumbs in honor of unli-texting (Globe/Smart/Sun, you owe us big time!), bagging another title such as “Social Networking Capital of the World” was no a surprise. Remember, it was us who breathed life into Friendster with our – who-can-get-the-most-testimonials contest and eventually killed it with our glitzy profile pages, hah!

So, out with Friendster and in with Facebook and Twitter lest Filipinos including our Jejemon kababayans would be homeless and lonesome online — something that’s utterly inconceivable, que horror! We just can’t Google, blog, wishful-shop, play Tetris, or Farmville every time we connect to the net; we need social connections. Naks!

Pinoy nature (or is that just a form of extended hospitality?) dictates us to (1) send “friend requests” to the entire clan from new-born to senior, (2) look for long-lost kindergarten/elementary/high school/college/MA/work/neighborhood pals/acquaintances, (3) post what’s on our minds not less than five times a day, (4) upload and tag photos/videos pre and post-digital age, (5) poke, like, comment, and reply “Thanks for the pokes/likes/comments,” (6) share links to the latest showbiz and/or barangay tsismis, (7) invite everyone to vote <insert name> for <insert title>, (8) subscribe to a million fan/group pages, (9) ask your family and friends to help build your house/farm/castle/city, (10) stalk, er, follow celebrities, your crushes and frenemies, and so much more!

But don’t ever mistake us for having nothing else better to do with our lives. Nah ah ah, “Filipino Time” wouldn’t have been coined if that was true.

FYI, we’re way too busy being on the lookout for the next Pinoy YouTube sensation, someone Ellen would want to guest on her show and Oprah would be a willing ninang to. We’re even quite ready to key in those two magic words for the nth time, “Pinoy Pride,” for the Whole Wide World to see.

Besides, we’re working twice as hard to steal the “Facebook Capital of the World” trophy from Indonesia’s 40-million users. Just 12-million more Pinoy sign-ups and we’ll be Facebook Bida soon. Super like!

How Social Networking Bibo Are You?

Nearly all Filipinos are sociable online, but some are more passionate (read: obsessed) than others. Let’s see how far you’ve gone.

You campaigned for Efren Peňaflorida, the Palawan Underground River, Shamcey Supsup, Jessica Sanchez, and others by sharing where-to-vote links (and/or how-to-multiply-vote “tips”) on your blog/wall/tweet.

During picture-taking, what you think about is whether anything would be good enough for your profile photo. You believe in weekly updating because you might have grown too fat/thin by then and your friends deserve to know.

At the height of Ondoy, you left a post/tweet informing everyone that you were logging out for a while since you had to move stuff to the rooftop before the floods ravage everything. Of course, you took your laptop first.

On some occasions, you added friends of your friends rationalizing that if they could be friends with your friends then they could also be friends with you. After all, that’s the essence of social networking, I thank you.

“My Relationship Status” reflects your love life status, immediately changing from “Single” to “In a relationship” once you and your honeybunch decided that you’re meant to be. Whenever you fight, though, you change it to “It’s complicated.”

You determine your family and friends’ moods based on their status updates. If there’s a parinigan vibe, you investigate the various comments on their posts and put into action your researching a.k.a uzi skills to understand the issue.

To find out where you are, who you’re with, and what you’ve been doing 24/7, all we have to do is to check out your wall posts. You’re actually doing potential kidnappers, akyat-bahay gangs, and their tribes a favor so they should thank you.

Here’s your idea of online bayanihan: wash my pet and I’ll fertilize your crops. And how about this one for online revolution: join the group page movement against Willie Revillame, electricity price hike, or whatever ticks you off.

You think in hashtags, therefore you aim for trending topics. You stay tuned to Vice Ganda’s too-many-to-mention hashtags, but you stay away from Mo Twister’s and Tim Yap’s. Mother Monster, please guide them. #PeacefulTwitterCountry

The supposed end of the world this year is no longer scary. You fear more for when Facebook timeline becomes mandatory. Nooooo!

The post Onli in da Pilipins appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

By Aby Yap

Hey Blood Sister, repeat after me!

I, (insert name), who hails from any of the 7,107 islands (during low tide) of the Philippines, acknowledge that we come in all shapes and sizes with various quirks (read: pagka-loka-loka) and goals. Despite our differences, however, we’re bonded by our fancy for endless tsika and showbiz tsismis, especially when trooping to the ladies’ room. We share varying degrees of annoyance when leering men wolf whistle at us every time we go out in sleeveless tops and shorts; moreso, when we’re referred to as “tsiks.” We belong only to one sisterhood, which we proudly call “The Filipinas,” and here we shall remain in mind, heart, soul, and deed.

Apir!

Pinay Power

But who is the Filipina?

According to the Oxford English Dictionary of many years ago, she was a domestic helper. Que barbaridad! Was that a joke? We’re more than maids and yayas; we’re also Japayukis and mail-to-order brides. We’re nurses, caregivers, beauty queens, performers, artists, teachers, entrepreneurs, soldiers, presidents, homemakers, and dreamers. Fortunately, that erroneous dictionary entry was corrected and the grave injustice against the Pinay rectified.

Why, she’s Gabriela Silang and Prinsesa Urduja whose courage in armed revolutions is legendary even in this century! She’s also lola, against whom you never won that childhood battle of siesta vs. palo. Even your parents couldn’t stop lola from giving in to your whims when she’s in that indulging grandma mood.

She’s Teodora Alonzo and Melchora Aquino, whose unconditional love and instinctive wisdom nurtured heroes in the process. She’s also nanay who has always known when you’re lying through your teeth (too bad), even when she’s oceans away tending to her employer’s kids. Yes, mothers know best.

She’s Ate Vi and Ate Guy, just as much as she’s Mara and Clara. She’s the big sister that we look up to. She’s also the daughter that we hope to raise to become a decent member of society. Please, inasmuch as we admire Freddie Aguilar’s OPM, we don’t ever want our story to turn into that Anak song or movie.

She’s Maria Clara and Salome, beautiful in their mestiza and morena looks and faithful to their lovers until the bitter end. She’s also Cory and Imelda, without a doubt the compelling force that propelled their spouses to their current place in history. (Hah, another reason why guys should trust that adage “Behind every successful man, there is a woman.” Be very careful in choosing a wife, indeed.)

In some instances, she could be Valentina whose ugly head of little, angry snakes might turn you into stone and leave a venomous picture of the Pinay. But she could also be Darna, far from the weak and meek Narda that others so misguidedly believe she is. She knows what she wants for herself. She knows what she’s set to do for her family, maybe even for the country. And she soars high to pursue it.

So, Ding, you can now throw that stone away. The Filipina can do without it.

Pinay Passion

Often, she can’t help it, it actually becomes an obsession – a rather expensive one.

Like flawlessly white skin that even Snow White would be insecured of. Sure, kayumangging kaligatan sounds romantic and everything, but the quest to be the fairest of them all is just too tempting – especially when everyone is getting in on the game and winning it can pave the way to your being an artista — the bida, ha! (Have you ever noticed that it’s the sweet tisay look that usually gets the starring role and the handsome leading man? Otherwise, you’re assigned as the mean kontrabida with the dark, pimply goon as your love interest.)

So, she develops a phobia of the sun and refuses to leave home without an umbrella. She goes into panic buying mode and grabs the whole load of products which promise an all-white existence — whitening soaps/facial creams/astringents/toners/exfoliants/lotions, glutathione capsules, etc —hoping against hope that she’ll be white in seven days. And of course, if there’s extra cash, Vicky Belo, Manny and Pie Calayan, and company will be too happy to help (getting richer in the process). But if the budget is tight, papaya soap and Chin Chan Su cream are the cheaper alternative. Warning: prepare your best deadma look should your family members start screaming or snickering at your Chin Chan Su-covered face.

If TV/radio ads and the billboards along EDSA dictate that skin is supposed to be white and smooth, then hair should be black and straight. No wonder thousands are spent on hair straightening, relaxing, rebonding, and reborn treatments. See, better penniless than a problem of society (though that kulot salot accusation is way below the belt). Besides, having black and straight hair is your ticket to finding a rich husband or becoming a model employee. Never mind the lack of logic. Just be glad and rejoice. Not!

Don’t forget the least attainable of these Pinay fixations: having a high-bridged nose, if not for herself (since getting a nose lift is costly) then at least for her future kids. Now, please, let go of that old practice of nose pinching with a clothespin. You know it can’t make you less pango. Hmmm, this one, though, makes a good excuse to work at yet another secret desire: the search for a Caucasian Prince Charming. Aminin!

But, you do realize that these guys go for that famous exotic Pinay look, don’t you? Your natural features already make you a catch and one lucky woman, ateh!

The post Onli in da Pilipins: I, Pinay appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

Surveying the hacienda from your terrace, you say to your little boy/girl, “Look around.  Everything that your eyes can reach shall be yours.” You smile smugly. The child gives you a weird look and yells for milk. Growing bored, you sprawl out on the divan next to a heart-shaped Arowana pond. You clap your hands three times and slaves looking like Piolo Pascual or KC Concepcion (take your pick) rush by your side and start feeding you mangga with bagoong. Or, tukneneng with sukang pinakurat.

It’s all up to you. It’s your fantasy. As dreamers would say, “Libre lang ang mangarap.”

 Lifestyles of the Lucky

Too bad for the bitter ampalaya, though. A few Pinoys were born rich, others are famous and have become rich, and some are just plain lucky that it hurts.

If your surname is Zobel de Ayala, Lopez, Cojuangco, Gokongwei, or any of the monosyllables Sy, Tan, Ty, Yap (Yup, I’m the missing heiress. Libre lang ang mangarap.), then Luxury is most certainly your middle name. It’s a given we already know by heart without any tinge of resentment. No news there. Boring. Blah.

So, we move on to more “interesting” personalities, how they spend their pesoses endlessly piquing our curiosity even as many of us slowly die from the Green Monster attacks. Oh, but how we love to be masochists time and again — not just during elections.

Especially when it’s about the Pacquiao family. If envy could strike, 94 million Filipinos would have been knocked out by now. And why not?

Manny is the PHP1.13 billion man. He’s got a mansion in General Santos City, South Cotabato with a swimming pool patterned after — surprise, surprise! — a boxing glove. His home in Los Angeles (in the US of A, not in Pampanga) is a US$2.16 million mansion. Recently, he joined Forbes Park’s roster of proud homeowners with a mansion worth a whopping PHP388 million! Bentleys, Lamborghinis, and Porsches are his garage toys, putting P-Noy’s second-hand 2007 Porsche to ukay-ukay level.

Wife Jinkee is every girl’s object of inggit with her PHP7 million yellow diamond earrings and indecent collection of designer bags: Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Birkin — apparently, nine Birkins are never enough. Wait, did you know too that she’s Paris Hilton’s new BFF? That’s ouch for you and Nicole Richie.

Party animal Mommy Dionisia, of course, is today’s most celebrated bag lady. Her PHP1 million orange Hermès bag says it all. Pretty much like Imelda and her 2,000 shoes or Gloria and her US$20,000 Le Cirque dinner.

Having chest pains already?

But we haven’t even gone to Willie and his wealth yet. Luxury vehicles including a PHP70 million yacht and a PHP200 million private plane; real estate including vacation houses, resorts, the Wil Tower Condominium, the Wil Theater Mall, the Wil Television Station (last one is a wild guess) — can you say Wowowee?

Or, shhh, the “PCSO bishops” and their Mitsubishi Pajero, Toyota Grandia, Mitsubishi Strada, Montero Sport, Isuzu Crosswind, and Nissan Pathfinder.

Hey, you still breathing? Chill lang!

Our Brand of Extravagance

While 0.1% of Filipino families (the so-called elite according to the 2006 Family Income and Expenditure Survey results) squander their cash on stuff that makes the rest drool, 99.9% of us choose to redefine what luxury is. As if we had any other options.

So, what if the coňo revel in their gorgeous PHP4 million Jaguar? You have your own chauffeur-driven Tamaraw FX! For just PHP20, you can ride/sleep with complimentary A/C while listening to Nicole Hyala and Chris Tsuper, and other snoring passengers. Kailangan pa bang i-memorize ‘yan? What do you need 350 kmph for anyway when bumper-to-bumper traffic is the norm in Metro Manila? Besides, it’s a jungle out there come rainy season; a Jaguar drowning in waist-high floods is a pretty frightful sight.

From the jungle, we fly to paradise. Oh, forget the “we.” Unless you’re part of Robert De Niro’s/, Madonna’s/Tom Cruise’s/Mariah Carey’s/ Samuel L. Jackson’s entourage, chances are you haven’t caught a glimpse of Amanpulo, where no ordinary Juan has gone before. With rates from US$800 to US$4,500 per night – excluding airfare (now you know why), we’d rather patiently wait for Piso Fares and go on plane trips even without the free Zesto and/or cupcake. Well, at least the goal to reach all 79 provinces of the Philippines is achievable in your lifetime.

So is going through life without ever having to do your laundry, iron your clothes, clean the house, cook meals, tend to your kids/pets, paint your nails, and make rounds in the neighborhood for the latest tsismis — thanks to Inday or Boy, our dakilang kasambahay. Having a domestic helper may be considered a luxury in other parts of the world, but definitely not in Pinas. She/He can easily be your distant cousin from a far-flung barrio hoping to try it out in the big city. So, you “welcome” her/him into your home, “give” her/him a monthly “allowance” of PHP2,000 (if you’re barat), and you don’t even have to agonize over SSS, NHIP, HDMF, 13th month pay, and VL/SL.

Indulging in your luho is very much possible so long as you have little cash to spare or huge doses of diskarte. A DSLR to join the in crowd? Test your haggling/combat skills in Hidalgo, Quiapo. Spa treatments? There’s always Manang Hilot and her classic ventosa massage. Buffet meals? Fiestas in the Philippines happen all year round; you might even be lucky to bring home some pabalot.

In the Philippines, there are pre-defined luhos to fit every lifestyle or well, pay grade. Libre mangarap, but in the Philippines, certain luxuries can be bought for a song!

The post Onli in da Pilipins: Luxury – Pinoy Style appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.