Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am a 20-something solo mother with a young child. It has been five years since I separated from the father of my child and I just got my annulment.

My annulment made me realize that I am finally free… free from the bad marriage and yes, finally free to start dating again.

I have started going out with some guys, but many times I get annoyed with their stereotype of the single mom: easy, desperate for a man, among other things.

But that’s actually the easier part of dating again. That part I can handle. It’s actually the reaction of my parents that affects me the most. They keep asking why I’m dating again: my child should be enough to fulfill me; they think I’ll just fail and get hurt again. I understand their concern, and sometimes I worry about them being right. But they don’t know how guilty it makes me feel and well – I hate to say it – how it makes me feel like a bad woman.   How should I handle this? 

Single. Mother. Hopeful.

———————————————-

Dear Single Mother Hopeful (SMH),

Thank you for your email which cogently explains a predicament common for many single mothers.

The three most common issues that seem to arise in these cases all have something to do with attitude: the attitude of men they date, the attitude of their parents and, last but not least, the attitude of their children.

You say that you can handle the men, your child is probably still too young to be a factor so that leaves your parents as the problem. Unfortunately you have told us nothing about the circumstances surrounding your separation and subsequent annulment. Is there anything you may have done in the past that gives them justification for this? While past behavior doesn’t condemn you for the rest of your life, it is often a good idea to analyze it if only to avoid repeating mistakes.

Parents are normally against further romantic involvement if 1) they have very conservative religious views and/or 2) consider that their daughters bear significant responsibility for the failure of the marriage and/or 3) worry about their daughters’ choice of future partners. In the first case, even a church annulment seems insufficient to assuage their opposition, regardless of any beliefs that their daughters may have. In the second and third, they may think that their daughters, and any grandchildren, should simply be protected from further bad choices.

But what about you? Your parents do not want you to risk another failed marriage and you worry that they may be right. Your parents’ opposition makes you feel guilty. You have not told us the circumstances leading up to your annulment, but if you think your parents may be right and you feel this way, it seems likely that you had a significant role in the failure of your marriage.

I shall leave it to Dr. Holmes to consider where you go from here.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

…..

Dear SMH:

Thanks you very much for your letter.  What Mr. Baer wrote is absolutely right when he said that dating again after one’s separation/divorce  brings up issues that focus mainly on attitude – in particular, the attitude of men they date, the attitude of their parents and, last but not least, the attitude of their children.

And there is a converse to that.  It is your attitude to them. Your attitude towards the men you date, the parents who raised you, and the children you care for.  Since you are most affected by your parents’ concerns, let us focus on them.

Their attitudes are not as important as yours… at least, I sure hope not.  But whether you feel your attitudes and feelings are more important than other people’s, including those of your parents, is equally important.

In a culture such as ours, where our parents and other older people are revered, my last statement above might incite near rebellion. However, it is time we questioned our knee jerk response to beliefs like: “Anak, maniwala ka sa akin.  Papunta ka pa eh, nakabalik na ako dyan.  Nadaanan ko na yan at alam ko ang tama at mali.”

To be sure, sometimes such statements are accurate.  But in my clinical experience, as far as objective and logical thinking clients are concerned, no one knows them better than themselves.  Another variant of that is: no one will know them better than they themselves will, once they stop listening to all the chatter of other peoples’ voices and start questioning the myths we’ve been exposed to.

So, what’s a gal like you (and me) to do?  Actually, quite a lot.

Like not to presume anything based simply on age.  When you think about it, the one thing you can be sure of when it comes to age is that they were conceived earlier than you.

Thus, they are not necessarily wiser, more forward looking, better at making decisions.   They well could be, but it isn’t simply because they are older.  After all, who is a better expert on you than you yourself?   And if you’re not sure of the answer to that one, then it is time to make sure you are.

Listen to yourself.  What sort of people are you drawn to?  When do you like yourself most? What are you capable of?  What do you need to do to stand on your own two feet? Whose support can you not live without?

In answer to that last question, I sure hope it is not someone who will stoop to emotional blackmail.  Especially if he’s/they’re capable of rationalizing withdrawing his/their withdrawal of love towards you as helping you “come to your senses.”

A lot depends on your attitude towards yourself.

Ideally, your self-concept is positive, based on the realization that you are not only intelligent and rational, but also kind and responsive to others’ needs.  Ideally, you know you are capable of taking care of yourselves.

Studies consistently show that the most important factor determining what we think of ourselves is our upbringing.

So… when analyzing why you’re incapable of doing what your peers seem to be doing so easily (like dating someone else after a marriage ends and not feeling guilty about it), be ruthlessly honest and see whether this is based on fact or merely a repeat of what others told you while you were growing up.

It is your self-concept that determines whether you can accept yourself as you are: acknowledge your needs (and not what your parents insist you need — i.e., being a good mother and “repenting” for your mistakes forever)

The good news is, your self-concept is not writ in stone.  It can change.  Yes, yes, even if you have to learn to ignore voices you have listened to the first twenty-something years of your life. Yes, yes, even if you have to disagree with negative judgments of yourself.  This is particularly difficult if you absorbed these judgments when still too young to analyze their veracity and fairness.

Thus, be gentle — but ruthlessly honest — when answering the following questions: Do you deserve a second chance? If you tend to be harsh towards yourself, then put it another way: If someone makes a mistake, is he doomed forever?  If he will sincerely try to be better next time, does he not deserve a second chance?   If you think this person deserves this, why not you?

Finally, remember one of the best lines in Desiderata:  “You are a child of the universe: no less than the trees and the stars.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

Part of that unfolding universe is meeting men, big and small, short and tall, suave and nerdy. Yet another part is dating a few, making some mistakes, but getting up and then dating some more!

All the best,

MG Holmes

The post Relationships: Status – Single. Mother. Hopeful. It’s complicated. appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

Illustrado threw a community event for Filipinas in the UAE on the 6^th April 2012, at the Almas Tower, Jumeirah Lake Towers, Dubai.

Dubbed the “Day of Sisterhood” the whole day affair dedicated to celebrating “Pinay Power” saw a gathering of 400 Filipinas from all walks of life, who came together for a whole day of learning and bonding.

An offshoot of Illustrado’s Women of Substance campaign, an advocacy devoted to the empowerment of Filipinas in the region, the Day of Sisterhood’s became a venue where attendees were provided useful information on topics that could help them enrich their lives.  The event also became a platform where the women were able to fearlessly discuss personal concerns and issues, especially those related to reproductive health and sexual empowerment.

 The affair was graced by Ambassador Grace Relucio-Princesa who opened the event with a non-denominational prayer.

Most awaited during the affair was the open forum session with renowned psychologist, author and TV personality, Illustrado columnist Dr. Margarita Holmes who flew to Dubai especially for the Women of Substance and Day of Sisterhood events.

Digerati’s Lilian Lee Bautista (L) looks on with a smile

During the discussion, Dr. Holmes, together with host Lalaine Chu-Benitez, Illustrado’s Publisher and Editor-in-Chief, highlighted the message that women should make the right decisions for themselves and see to it that they protect their well-being – especially when it comes to their own sexuality as well as reproductive health.

WOS Honoree Engr Mary Jane Alvero Al Mahdi shares some insights

Lending their expertise on other useful topics for Filipinas were Engr. Mary Jane Alvero Al Mahdi (career advancement), Financial Consultant Bey Celso (financial literacy and planning), Style Consultant Agnes Aquino-Briggs (style, image and grooming), Sherwin Lim (investing and Philippine real estate) and Jhasmin Cipriano (Pinays Take Charge Guideline).  Also adding to the educational and fun aspect of the event were the demo on Self-Defense for Women conducted by Ibrahim Rubel Beltran, a mini make-up workshop led by locally renowned make-up artist Ginno Alducente, as well as the live painting session by artist Flordeliza Pesigan.

Other elements such as the hourly Titan Watches give-away, displays from local Filipina entrepreneurs and Pinay Make-Over, as well as the free bone scan from Anlene, give-aways from Dove, Ayala Land, Xpress Money, Dunia, Giordano, as well as refreshments from Al Ain Dairy, Arab Beverages and Galang LLC made for an enjoyable day of bonding the attendees will not forget.

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I am 28, an English major and a teacher. I have been emailing, Skyping with this American, James, 36. We met three years ago at a party, and last month he proposed to me, after asking my mother and father permission to do so.  My parents were very happy, because they saw this as his willingness to respect our Filipino culture.  Also, he has never been married and is willing to convert from Protestantism to being a Catholic.

I have been accepted as a teacher in the high school closest to where he proposes we live in the US. It is not my dream job since it focuses on the basics of English rather than on the poetry of Wordsworth or Tennyson, but I have resigned myself that compromising is needed in any marriage.

My parents and friends keep telling me I am lucky to have him.  He is what they call “a big catch.”   When I tell my parents I am uncomfortable about James, they say, “You can never have perfect in this world. At least, he has no children who will fight you for his money/inheritance.”

I am frightened and when I tell people the reasons for my fears, I cannot sustain the arguments they make in his defense.

He doesn’t make me feel safe.  They say a feminist like me should make myself feel safe, not wait for a man to do so.

Maybe so, but why do other men leave me more relaxed than he does?

Plus, I resent it when he corrects me in public.  I wish the world would swallow me up when he does that.  He claims it is good for me, as I “am too big for my britches” but who is to tell when I no longer need cutting down to size?  It has become so bad that I dare not speak when he is around, so afraid that any mispronounced word or wrong syntax will lead to remark that will make me want to die inside.  He says I am too sensitive. My parents and friends agree. They say I am just used to being the best in the group that when someone better comes along, I can’t stand it.

Please help me. How can I manage my pride so that it no longer gets in the way of our relationship?  Thank you and more power!

Clarissa

…….

Dear Clarissa,

Your situation illustrates quite starkly how a person can be viewed in different ways depending on the perspective of the viewer.

What do we know about James? Your letter sets out James’s various qualities, good and bad, and how they are interpreted by your family and friends on the one hand and you on the other.

Firstly, he is unmarried and willing to convert. Depending how dogmatically Catholic one is, these are either essential or at the very least helpful.

He is only 8 years older than you. A significant age gap can be a problem, except of course for a woman seeking a father figure, so everybody can be happy here that he is looking for a wife rather than a nurse.

He is a foreigner. For some, this is a plus and makes him a catch. For others, the cross-cultural complications make a successful relationship that much more challenging. However, you also tell us that he is willing to respect Filipino culture so that must be a positive sign.

It is worth commenting at this stage that James would bring all the qualities we have considered so far to a marriage with any person. They say nothing about his relationship specifically with you but seem to qualify him as a good candidate, which is of course why your family is in favor of this marriage. However, as it is you, not they, that will be marrying him and living with him, your views are paramount, whatever they may say. After all, if life together turns out to be hell, you are the one that is going to be suffering, not them.

What we have discussed so far tells us nothing about how the two of you interact. It is only what could be described as necessary but not sufficient to ensure that the two of you could face a rosy future together. So what else have you told us about him and your relationship as a couple?

– He does not make you feel safe.

– He corrects you in public and thinks that is good because you are “too big for your britches.”

– When you remonstrate, he says you are too sensitive.

These are serious issues and resolution is essential before your relationship goes any further.

In my view, a man who does not make you feel safe is a man you should leave immediately. You do not have to justify it to anyone. There is no need for a carefully constructed argument to convince others. It is quite simply that you should never continue a relationship under such conditions, much less condemn yourself to a lifetime shackled to him.

The other things you tell us give an insight into why you feel unsafe. What sort of respect is a man showing towards his fiancée if he corrects her in public, supposedly for her own good? None whatsoever, I would say. And if he has no respect for you, why would you want to stay with him?

If in addition he considers you “too big for your britches,” again, why stay? The immediate fallout is already apparent. You no longer dare speak freely in his company and matters are likely to get worse, not better, as time goes on.

There is of course another aspect to his behavior and that is the insensitivity of a foreigner to Filipinos. Perhaps he believes in the stereotype of the submissive Asian who will cater to his every whim. Perhaps he thinks he is superior because he is American. Whatever the cause, this man who has mastered merely three Filipino words now thinks he can lord it over you because in his eyes your command of English is not perfect.

Your unwillingness to trust your instincts is understandable because your family, seduced by the prospect of “the big catch,” are trying to railroad you, and any resistance on your part merely encourages them to accuse you of pride and excessive sensitivity.

However, you must go with your instincts here. You have to act in your own best interests, even if it will make your relations with your family difficult for a while. To marry James will make your life infinitely worse, not just now but forever.

Bottom line: leave him, and leave him now.

All the best,

JAFBaer

……….

Dear Clarissa,

Many thanks for your letter.

Because of space constraints, my answer will focus on your fiancé’s racism.  Racism is difficult to live with and practically impossible to eradicate in your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex fiancé’s (HS2BEF) case.

I know, I know, many may seem surprised that I consider him racist. After all, was he not sensitive enough to be willing to change religions a-n-d ask you parents for your hand in marriage in keeping with our old traditions, PLUS take pains to learn a few Tagalog words?

Well, yes.  And it is precisely these three examples which make me believe he is a racist.

But first let me tell you about Edward Said, the late Columbia University Professor, who wrote the book Orientalism (NY: Pantheon Press, 1978). Basically, Said believed that foreigners who wrote about and lectured on the east (mainly the Arabic-Islamic east) could not escape the imperialist prejudices they grew up with, thus much of their work has a “subtle and persistent ” Eurocentric  prejudice against cultures not European (or North American). Professor Said also believed that this long tradition of romanticized images of the orient depicted us as irrational, weak, feminised and “Other,” contrasted with the rational, strong, masculine West.

Instead of “oriental,” substitute “Filipina”; instead of “scholars lecturing,” an “American engaged to be married.”

In this context, the very things your friends think culturally sensitive of James are the very reasons I feel you should run away from him as quickly as you can.

All he has done so far — asked  your parents for your  hand in marriage, learn a few Filipino words, promised to convert to Catholicism — are things any trained monkey could do, or, dare I say it,  someone superficial enough to think such actions really matter in the long run.

The above is something he has done for himself, not for you.  It is his idea of what a Western suitor (any Western suitor) does for his Eastern bride (any Eastern bride).

The above is no proof that he loves or respects you. Hells bells! It is not even proof that he knows who you really are.

Most English majors, I would think, are fluent enough to pass as native English speakers.  Can they make mistakes? Of course they can!  Just as easily and “unknowingly” as native English speakers do!

Is it ok if people correct their mistakes? I would definitely think so, but then there’s correcting and there’s correcting, isn’t there?  Most people I’ve spoken to prefer to be corrected in private. If, however, the correction needs to be done in public — no chance to do it in private, one might forget — then it should be done in a walang personalan way.

Your HS2BEF behaves in anything BUT a walang-personalan manner.  Why else would he say you are “too big for your britches”? Could he be jealous that you know English well enough to teach it? Because, barring a few exceptions that he seems eager call attention to, you speak far better than he?

I mean, let’s face it, anyone who uses the phrase “too big for your britches” without any quotation marks is someone no one should learn English from.

OOPS!  Now who’s writing in an extremely personalan way? My excuse is that you need to see that his behavior not only makes you (and I would think your true friends too!) awkward. There is no excuse for such cruelty.  Yes, cruelty, because his purpose is to draw blood, and he has succeeded.  That is why you dare not speak when he’s around.

God, I cannot imagine a fate worst than death for you (except, of course, to actually marry your HS2BEF).  One of the most compelling reasons anyone is an English major is because of an instinctive love for languages.  Thus, while he need not be an English major himself, a compatible spouse should at least have the same love, if not facility, for the spoken and written word.  Not just in letter like a judge with pursed mouth eager to pounce on your pronunciation because he can find no other fault in the way you speak;  but also in spirit because he appreciates that Filglish is just as valid — and I, being biased, feel less grating – as Ameriglish!

In fact, if he truly loved all the Filipina in you instead of being the Orientalist with a fantasy of what a Filipina should be, he would be so proud of who you are and what you’ve already achieved.  I would think he’d be strutting around in his chaps and pointy boots telling everyone how his wife, who trained in the Philippines, has been hired, sight unseen, based merely on her records and application form to teach Americans how to speak more effectively.

That is a hell of an achievement, Clarissa! And if he truly loved you, he would not only make you feel good about what you’ve already done, he would also try to inspire you about things you could achieve in the future.  So that, to use his own expression, being “ too big for your britches” would be a cause of joy because you were starting to live up to your true potential and he, as your partner in life, would do all he could to help you realize this.

As it is, I don’t even think he has the interest to find out.  Otherwise, he would tell you about writing workshops you could enroll in and poetry magazines you could subscribe to.

Leave him, Clarissa.  He is an albatross round your neck. He is either a good enough actor to convince your family or he is self-deluded enough to think, like any Orientalist would, that he is your knight in shining armor.  I can’t decide which is worse.

Margarita Holmes

The post Relationships: Too Big for Her Britches appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am a working mom with 8-month-old twins. We’re living in the compound with my in-laws. My husband’s aunts are the ones taking care of my babies from Monday to Friday, and all of them are crazy about my kids.

My problem is that I feel that I am not getting respect from the caregivers of my kids. They bring the kids anywhere, sometimes without my knowing it. On weekends, when I’m at home them, they still take the children instead of letting me have time to bond with my babies.

Many times when I’m holding my baby, and she cries, they immediately get the baby. I feel that they act more like they are the mothers than I am. However, I’m afraid if I say something to my in-laws, it might create trouble. But I’m really afraid that my babies will be closer to them than they are to me, their real mother. They are kind and I thank them for loving my kids, but I need them to give me space and time to bond with my kids. I want to know if I’m wrong thinking this way. I cannot help being jealous. Please help me.

Judy

————-

Dear Judy,

There are two basic issues: is your jealousy reasonable and how will all this affect your children?

In my view, you are perfectly right to feel jealous since the twins, after all, are your children, not theirs. However, your position is complicated by the fact that you are a working mother who needs people to look after your children while you are away and just as importantly, you are living with your husband’s family.

The joy of living with your in-laws is unfortunately not without its problems. Most significantly, the double whammy of being younger and not a blood relative makes your situation particularly fraught. It’s great not to worry about the kids while you are away at work, or commuting, or having little time to yourself (shopping, with friends etc.). But there is a price to pay for free babysitting and in your case, it is your in-laws thinking that, since they spend more time with the kids than you, they know and can look after them better. Were you just dealing with a yaya (nanny), you could simply change her for another so that your children do not get too attached. But that is not your case.

One obvious course of action is to get your husband to deal with the problem, either by himself or jointly with you. He is the nephew/stepson and better placed to sort things out. However, since you don’t mention him at all in your email, I wonder whether this suggestion has any real value. He seems to be totally absent from your lives. Perhaps he is an OFW or perhaps he just isn’t supportive?

Another course of action is to stop working. This may not be a practical suggestion now, but perhaps in the near future it could be a solution, unless of course your absent husband is also a non-contributor to the family finances.

If he cannot help, one way or the other, there is still another consolation. Thousands upon thousands of children have grown up spending the vast majority of their childhoods apart from their parents – physically and/or emotionally. This is not just the case when their parent(s) are working or are OFs, but also where the non-working parent(s) simply prefer to spend their time with other people, rather than their kids. It is a fact of life that not all parents are maternal/paternal, though this does not stop them from having kids, either because of family pressure or the perceived demands of society. Ignorance of, or lack of access to, contraceptives is also a big contributor, as is the belief that contraception is morally wrong. So all is not lost even if there is no immediate solution to your problem.  That does not have to alienate them or scar them for life. Circumstances change and the kids will grow up understanding perfectly well that however close they may be to their more distant relatives, you are still their mother, the only one they will ever have, and as such, irreplaceable.

Please write again if there is more that you wish to discuss.

All the best.

JAF Baer

P.S.  I must admit a certain personal involvement in this. From the age of 9 to 18, I lived away from my parents, seeing them for only four months of the year while away at boarding school in England. I feel I am not that warped. After all, Dr. Holmes married me (joke only – though I have the certificate to prove it!)

…………

Dear Judy:

Mr. Baer has given you the reassurance and the perspective to accept your feelings and to realize that all is not lost despite the constraints you are living with at the moment.

Anyone who feels parenthood is the most important calling in the world  and/or anyone who feels or has felt he has been unfairly treated by more powerful forces, be they in-laws, corporations etc. – cannot help feeling one with you.

It is precisely because your plight resonates so much with so many of us that I have purposely chosen a more strategic, rather than an emotional approach to your concern.  (Not because strategy is more important than feeling but because to get what you want, you need to strategize.

The first thing is to determine whether your aunts are friends or foes. This may seem diametrically opposed to our espousing that people are too complicated to classify as one or the other, but because you are working under so many constraints — no yaya, only free time is on weekends,  (seemingly) no support from your husband — it is best you simplify so you achieve your goal.

Knowing whether they are friend or foe will help you decide whether to try sugar (ask for cooperation) or ampalaya (lay down the gauntlet).

Happily, it is simple to distinguish between the two. A friend is someone who agrees with you that bonding with your baby is of utmost importance. Thus, since you work on most days, you get to be with them when you’re not working.

A foe is someone who feels they are more important caretakers than you since they spend more time with your babies.  Spending more time with them, your babies will always prefer them to you, but only if they are hovering in the background, eager to take them away from you at their first sign of distress. (foe, foe, foe). In other words, anyone who considers you competition for your babies’ attention is a foe.

If they are friends, then do the following:

• Share your frustration at having to work and thus not being able to mother your kids 24/7.
• Thank them profusely for allowing you to leave for work with a clear conscience, confident that your twins will be nourished not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.
• Ask for their help so that, despite your having such little time with them, your kids still realize  that you are their mom.
• You can even admit you are a little jealous of them and ask for advice on the best way to engage your kids since they probably know your kids better.  In our clinical experience, such admissions, if honest, work wonders on their willingness to cooperate.

If they are foes, however, life gets a bit more complicated.

Admittedly, there are numerous strategies you could employ, but each will require knowing your foe/s well enough to know their vulnerabilities and knowing yourself well enough to decide which particular strategy you can sustain.

However, because you appreciate what your aunts are doing for you and your kids, you cannot turn into a cold blooded, relentless,  practitioner of Sun Tzu’s  The Art of War…at least not until you realize that that is the only way to truly bond with your kids.

Because it will take many more columns to evaluate each and every strategy possible, may I suggest you read  Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage and Dirty Dishes  by Szuchman, P.  and Anderson, J. (Random House, 2011).  This will be truly helpful for you, because not only does it explain the perspective which makes each strategy helpful, but because it deals with spouses, which are similar “foes” to aunts.  They are people you love and appreciate, but who drive you crazy.   Also, if you let either get away with everything, your life will be a living hell.

But what things are worth fighting for and what are best left for time, patience, deeper understanding to work out in its own time?  Perhaps that is something that you need to find out for yourself.

Write to us again when you’ve figured out things a bit more clearly and we promise we shall be here to help you all we can.

Ingat…

MG Holmes

The post Relationships: Working Mom Dilemma appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

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Dear Doc Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am a manager at one of the restaurant chains here in the Middle East.  Many of the waitresses working here are also from the Philippines, like me. The minute I met Diana, I knew she was different from the other Filipinas who worked at my restaurant.

Now I know why.  She used to be a Psychology teacher when she was in the Philippines and I was formerly a -seminarian.  We both love to discuss philosophy.  I am in love with her, and she feels the same.

I’ve been separated from my ex-wife for six years now, though not legally (annulled). We have three kids.

The problem is, we keep on arguing about the difference between “may asawa ka,” (you have a wife) as she always claims and “kasal lang ako” (I am merely married) as I defend myself.

She is convinced that loving me is WRONG but for me, six years separated is quite a long time already. I can’t blame her, Doc. She was raised by a very conservative family and as a psychologist and a teacher, people around her, especially her family, expect her to act MORALLY and RATIONALLY which contradicts our situation as I’m “still married” and she’s single.

Doc and Sir, it’s not as if I’ve become completely immoral. How can I convince myself that she is indeed right and we should stop this – or how can I convince her that I’m right and there’s nothing wrong with our relationship?

Thank you po.  Eric

…………………

Eric,

You raise a number of significant issues but more interesting are those that you do not raise, namely:

1)        Why after six years of separation have you still not annulled your marriage?

2)        How can an ex-seminarian have your sort of doubts?

3)        Why did Diana allow this relationship to develop this far?

I can think of various reasons for not getting an annulment, such as opposition from your wife, concern for the children, recognition that your conscience cannot accept the sophistry of the current canon law approach to annulment. I can also suggest that you have progressed from seminarian via ex-seminarian to agnostic or atheist. However, the fact is that you have not told us your reasons, and whatever they are, they are extremely unlikely to convince a conservative family that you are – or ever will be – a stellar choice for Diana.

More interesting, however, is Diana’s attitude to your relationship. According to you, she is convinced that loving you is morally wrong. Yet this psychologist professor, raised in a conservative environment and trained to be rational and moral, has permitted the relationship between the two of you to develop to the stage where she is in love with a man whose status she herself describes as “may asawa ka.” Surely, a woman who truly believes that it is immoral to go out with a married man would not start a relationship with one, much less allow it to reach the point of “falling in love”?

The only explanations I can come with to justify her seemingly hypocritical behavior are either that she has simply been mouthing the beliefs of those around her without truly subscribing to them (good news for you!) and has now found the pressure to conform to be overwhelming (bad news!); or that you conveniently “forgot” to tell her you were still married until she was already in love with you.

Of course, all this is in the past and you are concerned with the future. You yourself admit that to date you have been unable to convince her of the ‘morality’ of your relationship.

As you cannot change her, but you can change yourself, you have to decide firstly whether her beliefs are genuine. If they are, then, respect her decision and terminate the relationship. If they are not genuine however, the saying that applies is ‘all is fair in love and war.’ This is war and you must battle so that her love for you comes out the winner.

Best of luck, JAF Baer

Dear Eric:

What can I say except bilib talaga ako sa asawa ko.  Everything he’s told you I agree with completely, especially the part where he says she may have fallen for you because you “forgot” to tell her you were married until she fell in love with you. Many Filipino men don’t even bother to tell their girlfriends, and their awakening is so much worse because it comes from someone else.

It is always a wonderful experience to find one’s “soul mate,” but it must be even more so when least expected: in the middle of an arid desert, you provide each other an oasis of love.

You are a former seminarian and she is a former Psych major. You’ve both been trained to look at man as more than the sum of his parts, as more than someone who merely works to feed himself and his family and to enjoy life’s pleasures.   It must be lonely to be in an environment where you cannot share all these views with people.   And then, when you least expect it, you meet a kindred spirit.

Boom, crackle, pop!!

You fall in love. Of course, you do.   We love people who make us feel our very best selves.

Your very best selves are academics and philosophers, discussing the nuances of what it means to be human, and admitting that the fulfillment of your dreams includes the other’s being in it.

This is what love is all about. After all the hardships that push one to be an OF, you both must’ve felt you were in Paradise at last.

Alas, as in all gardens of Eden, a serpent or two slithers.

I imagine hers was the realization that your having a wife is in the active voice. This is not something that merely happened without your cooperation. You made it happen.

Your having a wife is worlds apart from “kasal lang ako,” which can only be uttered by a man who refuses to take responsibility for having a wife and kids.

She’s finally realized that your relationship is pure folly. You will end up breaking her heart, if you haven’t already.  Worse, you will make her feel a fool to have ever loved you in the first place. UNLESS…unless you stop discussing, get off your tuches and actually do something about your previous relationship.

I doubt Diana insists on an actual annulment. That would depend not only on you, but also on your wife. And Diana is a reasonable person.  She would only ask what is in your remit to give:  Proof you’ve taken responsibility for what you did in the past and for what — and who – you want in the future.

Because  she’s right.  May asawa ka na. You started being a husband when you promised, before God and man, to forsake all others from this day forward… including the days and the times you’ve spent with Diana.

You are definitely not “merely married” (kasal lang).  I don’t even know what that means: That you paid for the marriage license and then you were both free to go your merry ways? But if you have three kids together, you must’ve gone your merry way only after some time with your wife.  And who takes care of these kids now? Their everyday needs?    Whose salary, stock dividends puts food on the table and clothes on their backs?

If you (entirely or partly) do so, then you aren’t “merely married” in the sense that it makes no difference to your current life and what you can offer a current partner. If you don’t help, well, this only confirms your irresponsible ways, doesn’t it?

You mentioned in your letter that: “The problem is, we keep on discussing the difference between ‘may asawa ka,’ as she always claims, and ‘kasal lang ako’, as I defend myself.”

Actually dearest  Eric, the problem is much bigger than that. The problem is that discussing is all you do, period. But the time for mere discussing is over. It’s time to decide:  Do you continue philosophizing or do you finally put your money where your mouth is?

Having a wife is not a mere theoretical construct, no matter how much you pretend it is. Hopefully, you will decide what the best thing to do is and then actually do it!

Good luck.  MG Holmes

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