WARNING: This program isn’t for the unadventurous and/or the humorless.

Are you bold enough to major in BA Filipinology? See what it takes to earn a lifetime degree.

F101: Family Few NOT – Required, 10 Units

Understanding that the family isn’t just the basic unit of society; it is the society—at least for the Filipino family. A typical household consists of yourself and your parents, siblings, grandparents, and yaya who’s probably a distant kin, too.

F102: The Godfather (and the Godmother) – Elective, 2 Units

Discovering child-rearing assistance. Since many Filipino parents believe that the more, the many-er and the money-er, you luckily have a dozen of reluctant ninongs and ninangs.

F103: What’s in a Name – Elective, 2 Units

Identifying yourself. In ‘Pinas, most babies are called Baby and most little boys are nicknamed Boy. A brown dog is Brownie while a black one is — guess what? Blackie!

F104: Actions Speak Louder than Words – Required, 5 Units

Reading into the Filipino’s non-verbal language. You can point direction with your lips, either greet or provoke someone by raising an eyebrow, smile to show you’re happy/embarrassed/shy/clueless/deadma, or not have any facial reaction at all when you’re tampo.

Filipino Lessons: BA Filipinology

F105: Happy Holidays – Required, 10 Units

Listing down the many reasons to be happy and to party. Fiestas every month, Christmas as early as September, summer vacation, no-class days come the rainy season — we have so much to celebrate!

F106: The Road – Required, 5 Units

Exploring the streets of Manila. Be ready to do it at a snail’s pace during rush hour. Want it or not, the city’s roads could be downright horrifying when traffic is real messy and the jeepney you’re riding is a mobile disco.

F107: Our Daily Bread – Required, 5 Units

Debunking this claim because it’s rice that we need to survive. That is, sinangag for breakfast, steamed rice for lunch, lugaw for merienda, arroz valenciana for dinner, and suman for midnight snack.

F108: Yummy! – Prerequisite: F106, 5 Units

Digesting the idea of what’s yummy to the Filipino. Jollibee Chicken Joy brings us gastronomical joys. Lechon and chicharon warm (and kill) our hearts. We love what most people would find yucky: duck embryo, chicken head/neck/butt/feet/intestines, pig ears/blood/intestines, crickets, frogs, dogs… are you hungry yet?

F109: The Latest – Required, 5 Units

Recognizing Filipino Time. Because we’re staunch believers of the saying that “It’s better late than never,” Filipino Time means arriving 30 minutes to 3 hours late. It depends on the traffic/weather/mood or whatever reason we could think of.

F110: Speech Power – Elective, 5 Units

Leveling up your communication skills. It pays to be multilingual. To enter showbiz, talk like Kris Aquino. To pursue a call center career, exaggerate the American accent. To run for public office, declaim in straight Tagalog.

F111: That’s Entertainment – Required, 10 Units

Expanding your interests. There’s no dull moment in the Philippines. Visit your neighbors as soon as you wake up for the hottest news. Come home by lunchtime for your favorite variety show. Do the telenovela marathon from afternoon ‘til night.  

F112: Do the Haggle – Elective, 5 Units

Managing your finances. Remember this: every self-respecting Pinoy can smell the nearest tyangge/ukay-ukay and he/she calls it a done deal only if a tawad has been made — even if it’s just a PHP5 discount.

F113: Reel Beauty – Required, 10 Units

Prettifying the Filipina. Is it Miss Universe, Vicky Belo, or Snow White? Whosoever fault it is, we can no longer stop buying papaya soaps and flat ironing our hair, aargh!

F114: Career Orientation – Required, 10 Units

Climbing the ladder of success. The trick is to do it slowly, strategically, and surely. Here are the options: (1) Join PBB Teens then co-star with JLC in RomCom films. (2) Hire a voice coach and upload your videos on YouTube. (3) Train hard to be a boxer and join international competitions.

F114: Practice Makes Perfect – Required, 50 Units

As it’s been said many times, you learn by experience. So, enjoy your practicum and good luck!

The post Filipino Lessons: BA Filipinology appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

We Know What You Do For Summer

By Aby Yap

You hide the body. Yours, of course (not unless you’re Dexter or Norman, then that would be another body, er, story). Whether you admit it or not, we’ll always know what you do every summer just to look and feel sexy on the beach.

No judgment here, buddy. We’re in the same boat. Let’s face it: not everyone is blessed to have  beach body genes—not when you’ve been programmed to eat sinangag and longganisa for breakfast, rice and any oily dish for lunch and dinner, and rice cakes for merienda. We’re bound to carry excess baggage aka bilbil anywhere we go, even to Bora. =(

But we can still get rid of the fat—for good or for Facebook. Game!

• Be the Biggest Loser

There’s a reason why the Lenten season occurs during summer. It’s to help you prepare to walk down the tough road to achieving the body that will squeeze into your newly bought bikinis. (So what if it’s two sizes too small? Miracles can happen.) You already abstained from meat on five Fridays and fasted during the entire Holy Week. That should be enough practice for when you go on a real diet with proper exercise, e.g. climbing 30 floors.

Yes, the tough road to becoming sexy is apparently endless. Turn away from your kain-kargador ways and stick to a diet that will work for you, i.e. what won’t make you see stars on a sunny morning and faint like no one’s watching. Go Cohen, eat the right kind of food based on your blood type, and lose P50,000+ plus some pounds. Or, pick Paleo and devour only protein, fiber, nuts, and berries like a caveman. You can also limit yourself to raw fruits and veggies or water and juice, or grow crazy and thin counting calories, or avoid carbs and sweets like sin forever.

If you cheat on your diet, a whip may come in handy. Think penitensya.   

• Apply Fashion Fixes

But since it’s more fun to eat in the Philippines with the lechon, sisig, and chicharon around, not everyone wants to be a loser. If we can’t be in good shape, the heck with being sexy! Round is a shape, too, and therefore we can be well-rounded anyway we want. Let’s just have fashion work its magic, abracadabra!

Bring out your black one-piece bathing suit. Not only can it provide you an air of mystery, it can also make you look slimmer. Never mind if it seems only an illusion; no one can tell since they’re all busy enjoying the beach. If you think you’re cheerier than the Addams Family, though, wear brown, blue, beige, or white as long as it’s a one-color outfit.    

Too plain? Then choose something with vertical or diagonal stripes—the thinner, the better—to create an elongating effect. Here’s a tip: find an #OOTD that has quite interesting details like a plunging neckline or a low back. For sure, no one would care about your big belly or titanic thighs because they’ll be busy gawking at something else.

If you insist on sporting the skimpiest two-piece, though, we won’t stop you. Just bring a malong to cover what must be invisible to the eye.

• Learn Photo Poses

So what if you’re svelte in person when you’re still stout in pictures? Ouch. Regardless of how much it hurts (or sounds stupid), the truth is that Facebook is the current reality. If they see you fat on FB, then you must be fatso in real life even you’re already starving yourself to death.

The key to appear slender in photos is body angling. Find your good side. Face the camera slightly sideways. Keep your arms away from your body. Push your chin out a bit or ask the photographer nicely to take the shot from above.

It also pays to use some common sense. Avoid being the closest person to the camera. This usually happens when you’re seated at either end of a dining table. Leave your third serving of morcon and move away from the photographer. Also stand next to people bigger than you, so you’ll appear small. And if you need to hide the bulge, conceal it with your bag or your girlfriend/boyfriend’s arm/s.   

There, you should be able to come up with Facebook-worthy cover photos without anyone commenting about your coca cola bottle-shaped, albeit 1.5 liter-sized, body and triple chin.

• Turn to Technology Tricks

Frustrated that nobody seems to perfectly capture you on cam despite being 100 pounds less this summer? Buy your very own selfie pod and take control of your pictures anytime, anywhere!

With this monopod, the most significant invention since fisheye lens, you’ll never have a weary arm or blurred selfie shots ever again. Plus, you won’t annoy anyone even if you get shutter happy taking photos of yourself at every angle while doing the peace sign and duck lips until you accomplish the #sexypicoftheday. Finally.

If all else fails, there’s always Adobe Photoshop to erase all extras.

The post We Know What You Do For Summer appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

So we take the bad with the good—and for that, every single one of us deserves a sparkly monument in Luneta! Because frankly speaking, it takes true martyrdom and sheer love of ‘Pinas to deal with the worst each day of our lives without calling it quits. We could only wish upon a star that none of these ever have to happen for as long as we live.

1. Traffic

The story of our lives. The dire situation of our main thoroughfares pays no heed to the basic right to get to one’s destination sans the stress. Traffic shaves a minimum of four hours off our daily existence – time we could use for something more meaningful than cursing MMDA.   

2. BV

Shoo, Bad Vibes! Our morning officially starts with Facebook checking (or check-in) and it doesn’t help make the day worth looking forward to when news feeds reek of bashing, bullying, and beast-mode posts. Loosen up, people! It’s a wonderful world.  

3. Corruption

Everyone claims to be vehemently against it and yet would rather settle traffic violations with a Ninoy bill when caught. So much for the son’s tuwid na daan (face-palms). Lest we forget, corruption isn’t exclusive to politicians, though they undoubtedly earn more.     

4. Gossip

While it can prevent the rise of serial killers in our midst, think of all the lives tsismis could ruin. The fathers who work hard, the mothers who love unconditionally, the daughters… you get the drift. Let’s just stick to cracking showbiz blind items.

5. Brokenness

This #hugot goes to MRT/LRT. It’s One-More-Chance level heartbreaking to ride one. The AC malfunctions. The doors don’t close even while the train is running. The train suddenly stops and we have to walk on the railroad tracks to get out of misery.   

6. War

As Boy George sang, it’s stupid. There’s no sense fighting over who’s the most kilig love team today. The truth hurts, but JaDine, AlDub, KathNiel, and LizQuen don’t care. We have too much going on in the Spratly Islands and Mindanao to worry about it.  

7. Trapos

So what do you do with trapos, or worn-out rags in English? You throw them away. That’s what we should be doing to our traditional politicians then—pronto! Because we’re already sick and tired of the same, old, and boring lies este rhetoric, mga kababayan.

8. Elections

This warrants its own space after what happened in the craziest election ever in Philippine history. Friendships ended. Monsters arose. Logic died and nearly everyone became fantards. A national apocalypse every six years will have us all bleeding to death. Never again.

9. OA-ness

To be declared persona non grata for calling someone hipon or shrimp (zero face value, though very sexy) is a little too much. But we’re over-reacting, touchy, and juvenile like that. It’s an acceptable behavior as our telenovelas can attest, where everyone is in a sigawan/ sabunutan/ sampalan fest.   

10. Philippine Passport

Traitors we’re certainly not, but we’ve grown weary of being treated like second-class travellers. We demand equality, and the understanding that not every Pinoy plans to go on TNT (Tago Nang Tago)! A lot of us simply want to Travel Nang Travel. Visa denied is dream shattered.    

_______________________________________________________________________________________

ABY YAP

What makes the Pinoy tick? Aby Yap’s long-running column “Onli in Da Pilipins” often answers that question. She talks about artistas, the pabebe, and the familiar Pinoy life, turning it into something fun and extraordinary. With a talent for finding every Juan’s funny bone, Aby’s wit and obvious affection makes the Filipino a whole lot more lovable.

Find more of Aby Yap’s articles here on Illustrado Life.

The post Onli in da Pilipins: 10 Things Filipinos Wish They Were Free From, Forevermore appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

By Aby Yap

Because ‘tis the season you dread (Ouch, the heat!) in the UAE, and look forward to in Pinas (Oh, the beach!) here are the signs that summer is in full swing, whichever side of the global barrio you are in –

1. Everyone gets hot-headed and annoying, including you, and your dialog every hour especially if you’re outdoors is “Angineeet,<insert curse here>!” 
2. You find yourself invariably dreaming about halo-halo, mais/saba con yelo, ice cream/drop/candy/buko/tubig, or samalamig. Forget brain freeze.
3. You think of kumikitangkabuhayan by selling all of the above because that’s what everybody wants. You could be a millionaire, too.
4. In Pinas, malls become the masses’ haven on Earth. Free A/C, anyone? Movie houses become the masses’ bedroom. Pay P200+, and you can sleep and snore away!
5. You suddenly miss the finale of every Palibhasa Lalake episode when they’d throw buckets of water at the guests.
6. Public transportation gets more challenging as you brave the unspeakable stench and sweat of your co-passengers amid the everyday traffic chaos.
7. Longganisa or sausage fashion strikes again since most people believe that summer gives you the right to wear sexy even if you’re not.
8. The shortest shorts in the history of womankind, which we shall call the paknapak shorts, are on display on the streets. Worn by our sisters, of course.  Kahit bawal!  Pasaway much?
9. Your Facebook becomes a Bodybook. On your News Feed are shameless-full-body shots of your contacts in bikinis and trunks. To unfollow or to unfriend, that is the question.
10. Mom furiously delivers a one-hour sermon to the entire household once she receives the electricity bills.
11. Surprise, surprise! Couples stop being clingy because they’re all sticky. Now, that’s one good thing you can benefit from the heat.
12. Sunblock and whitening lotions are nearly out of stock. Remember, Filipinos aspire to be the fairest of them all.
13. You need a good umbrella to fight off the sun and the slimmest possibility of getting darks-skinned (again).
14. A long-lasting deodorant is on your must-have list, along with your summer OOTD.
15. You can’t go out without a stylish pair of sunglasses for your selfies with #japorms.
16. Taking a bath three times a day is a requirement. Anything less than that is a crime against humanity.
17. Boracay and Baguio win hands down as the places to be in Pinas, where you’ll find most of your kin and chums.
18. All resorts, even hot springs, are full. But why you’d want to swim in boiling water during summer remains a mystery.
19. You must go easy on sisig, lechon, chicharon, and everything else that can shoot up your high blood pressure.
20. Finally, you count the days until the cool weather comes, but then you realize summer isn’t so bad after all. 

ABY YAP

What makes the Pinoy tick? Aby Yap’s long-running column “Onli in Da Pilipins” often answers that question. She talks about artistas, the pabebe, and the familiar Pinoy life, turning it into something fun and extraordinary. With a talent for finding every Juan’s funny bone, Aby’s wit and obvious affection makes the Filipino a whole lot more lovable.

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The post Angineeet! 20 Tell-tale Summer Signs appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

Which hugotero or hugotera are you?

By Aby Yap

“Kailangan pa bang sagutin?” With all that happened during the presidential elections, we’re pretty sure everyone has #Hugot — born out of bitterness, anger, frustration, etc.—without reservations. Only the depth of these bottled up emotions a.k.a. lalim ng pinaghuhugutan varies.  Which group of celebrated hugoteros and hugoteras do you belong to? Go, embrace the feels!

1. The Sawi

“Where do broken hearts go?” That’s the stinging #HugotQuestion for this Lonely Folks Club. Members range from men and women who’ve been left by once their significant others, now known as shameless others to those who’ve failed miserably to look for greener pastures that the only option left is to exit to Kish Island…yet again. Their pain is too great that it just brings about more questions. Can they find their way back into love in someone else’s arms? Or back home to ‘Pinas in case they decide that enough is enough?

2. The Seen-zoned

“Bute pa ang multo, nagpaparamdam.” Anyone who enjoys being haunted by ghosts must be desperately seeking attention (and is creepy). But who can blame them for this #HugotTampururotLine? This troupe generally consists of victims of unrequited love and unreplied messages. Of being smilingly told “Let’s just be friends.” by The One they’ve long dreamt of having kids with. Of getting “✓Seen” notifications in their FB messages without receiving any replies ever, grrr! Ouch, di ba? Truth be told, their inconspicuousness is more potent than Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak.

3. The Stuck

“May forever.” This is the #HugotClaim of people who choose to wait relentlessly. Some find it hard to move on from their past love, still clinging on to vows of togetherness even after years have passed. And there are many whose vehicles are unable to move—damn, not even an inch—helplessly caught in a traffic mess every day of their lives. As to who is having it worse is debatable. One thing is certain, though. This tribe deserves a monument in Luneta for being martyrs in romance and on the road.

   Onli in Da Pilipins: Who Got #Hugot?

4. The Solitary  

“What matters most is that we loved at all,” says the #HugotSong of this band of single ladies and gentlemen who play it solo for reasons only they know. They’re the NBSB (No Bae Since Birth), the ABMNB (Always the Bride’s Maid/Best Man, Never the Bride/Bridegroom), and those who purposely or accidentally miss the last trip down the wedding aisle. To be in a relationship is what most of them pray for just so they can finally relate to their theme song. Plus, it would be nice to call someone “hubby” or “wifey.”

5. The Senti

“Maglaro tayo ng kahit ano, huwag lang taguan. Kasi someone like you is hard to find.” Boom, tagos to the bones! This is a #HugotQuote example of those who are eternally in love can (annoyingly) come up with. After all, they’re the hopeless romantics and love fools in our midst whose only goal in life is to search for their soul mates—online or offline. Whether we like or loathe it, the craziness of the Inlababos Inc. is what makes the world go round and the Feb-ibig month worth celebrating somehow.

_____________________

ABY YAP

What makes the Pinoy tick? Aby Yap’s long-running column “Onli in Da Pilipins” often answers that question. She talks about artistas, the pabebe, and the familiar Pinoy life, turning it into something fun and extraordinary. With a talent for finding every Juan’s funny bone, Aby’s wit and obvious affection makes the Filipino a whole lot more lovable.

The post Onli in Da Pilipins: Who Got Hugot? appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

It’s not just about the destination; it’s the journey. So, you inescapably come across these kababayan tourists/travelers from all walks of life, in every shape and size, with a range of dispositions and pinaghuhugutan. Some you don’t mind hanging out with for the entire trip and even the next one. Others you wonder aloud if you’re sufficiently insured to cover the hazards of an Expedition Impossible.

1. The Investor Travelers

Their ultimate dream is to travel around the world in it-doesn’t-matter-how-many-days-it-takes as long as they can do it in their lifetime. With Dora the Explorer as their inspiration, they start young going around the 7,107 Philippine Islands then moving on to ASEAN countries and 20 others they can set foot in without a visa. Because the more passport stamps they have, the better their chances of scoring a US/UK/Schengen visa to conquer the whole world at last.

2. The Perfectionist Travelers

Nothing and nobody stand in their way of having a picture-perfect vacation. After all, they book flights and hotels months ahead. They conduct a thorough research on the must-visit places particularly their economic and political situations, people and culture, language and arts etc. Their itinerary is in Excel file, each tab detailing the activities, timeline (definitely no Filipino time!), and expenses for the day, which they religiously stick to or they’ll have a nervous breakdown.

3. The Chillaxer Travelers

What itinerary? This laidback troupe has their own take on the theory of relativity, i.e. time is relative on one’s vibe. If you feel like idling by your hotel’s pool all day, that museum tour can wait until tomorrow, the next day, or when you’re finally in the mood for looking at lonely relics (which mostly never happens at all for lack of time). They’re the masters of their schedule, the captains of their voyage. Kanya-kanyang trip.

4. The YOLOist Travelers

Because You Only Live Once, they long to experience life’s wildly spectacular moments whatever it takes. Armed with courage and a GoPro (for proof of their audacity), they swim with sharks, dive into the sky, climb ice walls, get chased by bulls, or engage in any death-defying activity that sane common people won’t do even if offered the Napoles bathtub wealth. If you aim to live a long, uneventful life, run away from this group.

5. The Shutter-Happy Travelers

You’ll never find them without a DSLR, digicam, tablet, smartphone, and/or monopod/tripod in hand. These are the first items they pack in their carry-on bags, the reason for their existence. As with everything else, they’re on cloud nine when they take thousands of selfies and groupfies doing the duck face or peace sign, a jump or wacky shot at all the tourist attractions. No, they don’t want your attention; they’re just perpetually KSP, i.e. Kulang sa Pictures.

6. The Hunter Travelers

They get awfully excited once the tour guides are done with their talk because the hour they’ve been waiting for has arrived: shopping time. Far and wide, they search for pasalubongs to bring back home — I <insert place here> shirts, coin purses/key chains/ball pens bearing the country or city they’ve been to etc—for family and friends, neighbors and colleagues, Manong Guard, Ate Janitress, and most especially the Boss for approving their vacation leave.

7. The Converter Travelers

Math morons they categorically label themselves, but that drastically changes the minute they enter another country. Suddenly, they’re updated on foreign exchange rates. They’re able to multiply hundreds of dollars by the currency and calculate how much a souvenir would cost in Philippine peso—miraculously even without a handy calculator! Unfortunately, they often end up not buying anything at all because they find everything to be too expensive. Unless they’re just as skilled at shameless haggling.

8. The Freeloader Travelers

Their motto: the best things in life are free. In-flight magazine, salt/pepper packets, butter knife, mini soap, shampoo bottle, shower cap, hotel stationery, tea bag etc.—so long as it’s complimentary, they’ll merrily grab it for future use or pasalubong for people they left behind. They’re on constant lookout for accommodation that includes breakfast buffet on the house, so they can take out some baon covertly wrapped in napkins for when they grow hungry later.

9. The Networker Travelers

They could be mayors/senators/the president in the near future. Bursting with PR flair, they can make 10 new Facebook, Google+, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Tumblr, Twitter, and/or cell phone friends in a jiffy. They know just what to say in the right place at the right time to make you and several others laugh and go “Awww, you’re so witty!” And before you realize it, you’ve already agreed to be their couchsurfing host in their next trip.

10. The Correspondent Travelers

Most probably Kara David and Atom Araullo wannabes, they take on the huge responsibility of updating everyone they know on Facebook and Twitter real-time on what they’re up to every minute in every place. They post snapshots of popular spots with complete description, how-to-get-there directions, entrance fee rates, and suggested activities to maximize your experience. Warning: they could flood your newsfeed that you’d want to unfollow them with a vengeance or wish they’d lose their internet connection forevermore.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Read more travel articles on Illustrado Life.

The post Ten Types of Pinoy Travelers You Meet Along the Way appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

By Aby Yap

So, those years of being chummy with our classmates while toiling on crazy group reports/skits/games despite the pasaways who would have been evicted if only PBB already existed then (too bad it came too late) actually paid off. We’ve come out as the world’s indisputably fun, friendly, and fabulous people of all time — offline and online. Congratulations!

It must be the Pinoy’s bloodlines, or Mommy’s gripping influence. (Just think how she used to make tsika with everyone at school and how she ended up being elected PTA president year after year.) Who can really tell? We rule at being sociable and that’s always a good reason to party.

Who’s the Social Networking Bida?

Well, who else but the Philippines? That’s according to comScore, 24/7 Wall Street, and Universal McCann. It’s best not to argue with them.

If we were able to hold on to that “SMS Capital of the World” title for like, forever numbing our thumbs in honor of unli-texting (Globe/Smart/Sun, you owe us big time!), bagging another title such as “Social Networking Capital of the World” was no a surprise. Remember, it was us who breathed life into Friendster with our – who-can-get-the-most-testimonials contest and eventually killed it with our glitzy profile pages, hah!

So, out with Friendster and in with Facebook and Twitter lest Filipinos including our Jejemon kababayans would be homeless and lonesome online — something that’s utterly inconceivable, que horror! We just can’t Google, blog, wishful-shop, play Tetris, or Farmville every time we connect to the net; we need social connections. Naks!

Pinoy nature (or is that just a form of extended hospitality?) dictates us to (1) send “friend requests” to the entire clan from new-born to senior, (2) look for long-lost kindergarten/elementary/high school/college/MA/work/neighborhood pals/acquaintances, (3) post what’s on our minds not less than five times a day, (4) upload and tag photos/videos pre and post-digital age, (5) poke, like, comment, and reply “Thanks for the pokes/likes/comments,” (6) share links to the latest showbiz and/or barangay tsismis, (7) invite everyone to vote <insert name> for <insert title>, (8) subscribe to a million fan/group pages, (9) ask your family and friends to help build your house/farm/castle/city, (10) stalk, er, follow celebrities, your crushes and frenemies, and so much more!

But don’t ever mistake us for having nothing else better to do with our lives. Nah ah ah, “Filipino Time” wouldn’t have been coined if that was true.

FYI, we’re way too busy being on the lookout for the next Pinoy YouTube sensation, someone Ellen would want to guest on her show and Oprah would be a willing ninang to. We’re even quite ready to key in those two magic words for the nth time, “Pinoy Pride,” for the Whole Wide World to see.

Besides, we’re working twice as hard to steal the “Facebook Capital of the World” trophy from Indonesia’s 40-million users. Just 12-million more Pinoy sign-ups and we’ll be Facebook Bida soon. Super like!

How Social Networking Bibo Are You?

Nearly all Filipinos are sociable online, but some are more passionate (read: obsessed) than others. Let’s see how far you’ve gone.

You campaigned for Efren Peňaflorida, the Palawan Underground River, Shamcey Supsup, Jessica Sanchez, and others by sharing where-to-vote links (and/or how-to-multiply-vote “tips”) on your blog/wall/tweet.

During picture-taking, what you think about is whether anything would be good enough for your profile photo. You believe in weekly updating because you might have grown too fat/thin by then and your friends deserve to know.

At the height of Ondoy, you left a post/tweet informing everyone that you were logging out for a while since you had to move stuff to the rooftop before the floods ravage everything. Of course, you took your laptop first.

On some occasions, you added friends of your friends rationalizing that if they could be friends with your friends then they could also be friends with you. After all, that’s the essence of social networking, I thank you.

“My Relationship Status” reflects your love life status, immediately changing from “Single” to “In a relationship” once you and your honeybunch decided that you’re meant to be. Whenever you fight, though, you change it to “It’s complicated.”

You determine your family and friends’ moods based on their status updates. If there’s a parinigan vibe, you investigate the various comments on their posts and put into action your researching a.k.a uzi skills to understand the issue.

To find out where you are, who you’re with, and what you’ve been doing 24/7, all we have to do is to check out your wall posts. You’re actually doing potential kidnappers, akyat-bahay gangs, and their tribes a favor so they should thank you.

Here’s your idea of online bayanihan: wash my pet and I’ll fertilize your crops. And how about this one for online revolution: join the group page movement against Willie Revillame, electricity price hike, or whatever ticks you off.

You think in hashtags, therefore you aim for trending topics. You stay tuned to Vice Ganda’s too-many-to-mention hashtags, but you stay away from Mo Twister’s and Tim Yap’s. Mother Monster, please guide them. #PeacefulTwitterCountry

The supposed end of the world this year is no longer scary. You fear more for when Facebook timeline becomes mandatory. Nooooo!

The post Onli in da Pilipins appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

By Aby Yap

Hey Blood Sister, repeat after me!

I, (insert name), who hails from any of the 7,107 islands (during low tide) of the Philippines, acknowledge that we come in all shapes and sizes with various quirks (read: pagka-loka-loka) and goals. Despite our differences, however, we’re bonded by our fancy for endless tsika and showbiz tsismis, especially when trooping to the ladies’ room. We share varying degrees of annoyance when leering men wolf whistle at us every time we go out in sleeveless tops and shorts; moreso, when we’re referred to as “tsiks.” We belong only to one sisterhood, which we proudly call “The Filipinas,” and here we shall remain in mind, heart, soul, and deed.

Apir!

Pinay Power

But who is the Filipina?

According to the Oxford English Dictionary of many years ago, she was a domestic helper. Que barbaridad! Was that a joke? We’re more than maids and yayas; we’re also Japayukis and mail-to-order brides. We’re nurses, caregivers, beauty queens, performers, artists, teachers, entrepreneurs, soldiers, presidents, homemakers, and dreamers. Fortunately, that erroneous dictionary entry was corrected and the grave injustice against the Pinay rectified.

Why, she’s Gabriela Silang and Prinsesa Urduja whose courage in armed revolutions is legendary even in this century! She’s also lola, against whom you never won that childhood battle of siesta vs. palo. Even your parents couldn’t stop lola from giving in to your whims when she’s in that indulging grandma mood.

She’s Teodora Alonzo and Melchora Aquino, whose unconditional love and instinctive wisdom nurtured heroes in the process. She’s also nanay who has always known when you’re lying through your teeth (too bad), even when she’s oceans away tending to her employer’s kids. Yes, mothers know best.

She’s Ate Vi and Ate Guy, just as much as she’s Mara and Clara. She’s the big sister that we look up to. She’s also the daughter that we hope to raise to become a decent member of society. Please, inasmuch as we admire Freddie Aguilar’s OPM, we don’t ever want our story to turn into that Anak song or movie.

She’s Maria Clara and Salome, beautiful in their mestiza and morena looks and faithful to their lovers until the bitter end. She’s also Cory and Imelda, without a doubt the compelling force that propelled their spouses to their current place in history. (Hah, another reason why guys should trust that adage “Behind every successful man, there is a woman.” Be very careful in choosing a wife, indeed.)

In some instances, she could be Valentina whose ugly head of little, angry snakes might turn you into stone and leave a venomous picture of the Pinay. But she could also be Darna, far from the weak and meek Narda that others so misguidedly believe she is. She knows what she wants for herself. She knows what she’s set to do for her family, maybe even for the country. And she soars high to pursue it.

So, Ding, you can now throw that stone away. The Filipina can do without it.

Pinay Passion

Often, she can’t help it, it actually becomes an obsession – a rather expensive one.

Like flawlessly white skin that even Snow White would be insecured of. Sure, kayumangging kaligatan sounds romantic and everything, but the quest to be the fairest of them all is just too tempting – especially when everyone is getting in on the game and winning it can pave the way to your being an artista — the bida, ha! (Have you ever noticed that it’s the sweet tisay look that usually gets the starring role and the handsome leading man? Otherwise, you’re assigned as the mean kontrabida with the dark, pimply goon as your love interest.)

So, she develops a phobia of the sun and refuses to leave home without an umbrella. She goes into panic buying mode and grabs the whole load of products which promise an all-white existence — whitening soaps/facial creams/astringents/toners/exfoliants/lotions, glutathione capsules, etc —hoping against hope that she’ll be white in seven days. And of course, if there’s extra cash, Vicky Belo, Manny and Pie Calayan, and company will be too happy to help (getting richer in the process). But if the budget is tight, papaya soap and Chin Chan Su cream are the cheaper alternative. Warning: prepare your best deadma look should your family members start screaming or snickering at your Chin Chan Su-covered face.

If TV/radio ads and the billboards along EDSA dictate that skin is supposed to be white and smooth, then hair should be black and straight. No wonder thousands are spent on hair straightening, relaxing, rebonding, and reborn treatments. See, better penniless than a problem of society (though that kulot salot accusation is way below the belt). Besides, having black and straight hair is your ticket to finding a rich husband or becoming a model employee. Never mind the lack of logic. Just be glad and rejoice. Not!

Don’t forget the least attainable of these Pinay fixations: having a high-bridged nose, if not for herself (since getting a nose lift is costly) then at least for her future kids. Now, please, let go of that old practice of nose pinching with a clothespin. You know it can’t make you less pango. Hmmm, this one, though, makes a good excuse to work at yet another secret desire: the search for a Caucasian Prince Charming. Aminin!

But, you do realize that these guys go for that famous exotic Pinay look, don’t you? Your natural features already make you a catch and one lucky woman, ateh!

The post Onli in da Pilipins: I, Pinay appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

Main Photo by Rae Miranda; Model: Leslie Fiestan

She’s far from the 33-25-35 slim and dainty physique typically perceived of Asian women. No biggie actually. But in a society which defines beauty with perfectly sculpted cheekbones, a tiny waist and bony limbs, measurements become a biggie – a burden for the full-figured Filipina.

She becomes invisible, if not the target of unwanted attention. She’s “napabayaan sa kusina,” “tabachingching,” and “tabatchoy.” She’s egged on during feasts to get more food because “baka kulang pa.” She can’t go out in sleeveless tops and non-puruntong shorts, or she’ll be compared to “pata tim.”Family and friends joke about her impending due date, often with a warning that she won’t be able to hook a boyfriend or keep a husband. Gym representatives in malls ask her bluntly if she wants to be fit and pretty. Sales staff eye her curiously as she checks out the clothes rack, sometimes apologizing that there’s no size for her in the regular section.

Battle against Bulge

Public school teacher Marnelli Bautista, 31, knows the picture all too well. She started gaining weight way back in college and last year, she reached 217 pounds. People would compliment her pretty face, only to remark “What a waste!” afterwards. While Marinelli says she can level-headedly handle the mockery, either for fun or as an insult, it’s when people blame her weight for “misfortunes” that it gets to her. She explains, “They may not say it out of politeness, but I can feel it especially when they give you the stares and the giggles. Sometimes it can be very hurtful.”

To deal with her insecurity, she decided on a lifestyle change last year. Braving her colleagues’ challenge to be The Biggest Loser in 10 weeks for the prize of PHP20,000, she took meal supplements and enrolled in gym classes. “I spent a fortune to pressure myself to get my act together or my hard-earned money would just go to waste,” reveals Marinelli. The meal supplements alone, which she took religiously for four months, cost PHP1,100 and was good only for 11 days.

It all paid off. She became 24 pounds lighter and performed two belly dance shows for the gym recitals. She also learned to discipline herself: doing daily exercises, watching her diet, checking food labels, and bidding sodas goodbye. She didn’t win the cash, however. But to have earned the respect and admiration of her friends and relatives in the difficult process of losing weight, Marinelli relates, has given her back her self-respect. She adds, “I’ve begun to consider my happiness first and not what others would think of me.”

For 19-year-old twins Danah and Stacy Gutierrez of www.theplumpinay.com, a body-acceptance and appreciation blog that challenges the media’s restricted definition of beauty; fat is just an adjective and shouldn’t hinder plump Pinays from becoming fab.

Openly admitting to having the “fat genes,” both suffered the effects of trying to lose weight in all ways possible during high school. Stacy was diagnosed with Anorexia-Bulimia for seven months, while Danah became obsessed with dieting.

One good thing came out of the experience though. They realized they had to fully accept and appreciate their bodies, and encourage others to do the same. On November 29, 2009, they started the blog www.theplumpinay.com. More than just talk about body acceptance and appreciation, it shows fabulous, plump Filipinas who are confident and much comfortable with their bodies. The twins, students at the University of Asia and the Pacific, also blog about plus size fashion tips and even share their unedited photos, fearlessly revealing their bodies’ imperfections.

The response of their readers from all over the globe is “amazing and overwhelming,” says Stacy. “They often are stumped that we have the boldness and courage to talk about fat without being offended or offensive.”

Their blog, they disclose happily, has over 500 clicks a day and they have nearly a thousand fans on Facebook. They’ve also been featured in various blogs and magazines.

“Women who are like us feel good that finally, they’re being acknowledged,” Stacy remarks on their blog’s success. “It’s a breather for people who’ve been bombarded with fake and much altered images of stick-thin women. What we show is real, and I think that’s what people are craving for nowadays.”

For those who find it hard to accept and appreciate their bodies, she has this advice: “Throw away the magazines. That’s the ultimate source of false beauty ideals.”

Our Fierce Curves

Raisa de Guzman and Berna Cuevas, owners and designers of Erzullie, a plus-size clothing line for women, believe that self-love is key. Their brand is actually the name of the voodoo goddess of self-love, Erzulie. Their advocacy is plus-size women empowerment through fashion.  Both plus-size women themselves, 155 pounds and 175 pounds respectively, they disclose that Erzullie was born out of their own need for moderate to high fashion clothes.

Berna, 24, who wished to be slim then thinking it was sexy, vents her frustration over past shopping experiences, “Most of the fashionable clothes that I wanted only fit regular-size women. In my head, it’s like only regular size women are allowed to be fashionable.”

Raisa on the other hand says, “I’ve always wished that I’d be sexy, whatever the essence of the word is,” she discloses. “I’m pretty sure it’s never determined by body type. It’s the feeling that we give off (from ourselves) to others.”

For the two, size, which used to be a drawback, has now become an outlet for creativity and an opportunity to reach out to other plus-size women.

“But not all these women are insecure about their looks,” argues Berna “More women are now embracing their curves.” Berna declares, “We’re helping other women experience self-love by accepting themselves as plus-size and adorning their beautiful bodies with the right fit of clothes and the proper designs that would enhance their curves more.” The two slam the misconception that plus-size should hide their curves through loose clothing.

Erzullie has steadily gained positive feedback since its launch through social sites online. With a Holiday collection, followed by a daring Resort collection, and retail in Cinderella at Glorietta 3, as well as at the Backstage Store in Serendra and Sueno in Makati, Raisa and Berna have more plans in store for their line. But first on their list will always be the clothing needs of plus-size women, provided at an affordable price.

Berna continues to be overwhelmed when she sees customers, once desperately looking for the right clothes, leave Erzullie in high spirits. “That made me realize how wonderful it is to be a plus-size woman,” she contemplates.

Raisa sums it up, “Only when we start to love ourselves can we become happy with our lives.”

And feel beautiful, balingkinitan or not.

SIDEBAR STORY:

They Put the UMP in PLUMP

For 19-year-old twins Danah and Stacy Gutierrez being chubby fat is just an adjective and shouldn’t hinder plump Pinays from becoming fab. They feel so strongly about this that they put up www.theeplumpinay.com, a body-acceptance and-appreciation blog that challenges the media’s restricted definition of beauty.

Openly admitting to having the fat genes, both felt they were “treated as a minority” and they tried to lose weight during high school in every way possible. However, the results weren’t what they hoped for. Stacy was diagnosed with Anorexia-Bulimia for seven months, while Danah became obsessed with dieting.

“The images that are being hyped are all about thinness and one female body type, which is very slender and petite,” Stacy points out.Danah adds, “fat women were always told subliminally what they can wear and what they can’t.”

One good thing, though, came out of the experience. They realized they had to fully accept and appreciate their bodies, and encourage others to do the same by writing about it.

On their website, theplumpinay, they not only talk about body acceptance and appreciation, they also shows fabulous, plump Filipinas “who are confident and very much comfortable in their bodies,” Danah emphasizes. The twins, students at the University of Asia and the Pacific, also blog about fashion tips for the plus-size and food and restaurant reviews. They even share their unphotoshopped photos, fearlessly and proudly revealing their bodies’ imperfections.

The response of their readers—including Australian, American, Canadian, and European nationals—is “amazing and overwhelming,” says Stacy. “They are often stumped that we have the boldness and courage to talk about FAT without being offended or offensive.”

Their blog, they disclose happily, has over 500 clicks a day and they have nearly a thousand fans on Facebook. They’ve also been featured in various blogs and magazines.

“Women who are like us feel good that finally, they’re being acknowledged,” Stacy remarks on their blog’s success. “It’s a breather for people who’ve been bombarded with fake and very altered images of stick-thin women. What we show is real, and I think that’s what people are craving for nowadays.”

For those who find it hard to accept and appreciate their bodies, she has this advice: “Throw away the magazines. That’s the ultimate source of false beauty ideals.”

Danah also suggests visiting body acceptance and appreciation blogs. “They form a sense of community online, and it’s  going be a lot easier to know that you’re not alone in facing and battling the stereotypes of the media,” she explains.

“Women are definitely made in different shapes and sizes,” Stacy agrees, recalling how discovering plus-size blogs in other countries have helped her in her own struggle. “My eyes are were opened to the bigger and vaster perceptions on beauty.”

“Beauty is colorful;  it is society that makes it monochromatic,” philosophizes Danah.

[ends]

The post Balingkinita–NOT: The Plump AND Proud Pinay appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.

Surveying the hacienda from your terrace, you say to your little boy/girl, “Look around.  Everything that your eyes can reach shall be yours.” You smile smugly. The child gives you a weird look and yells for milk. Growing bored, you sprawl out on the divan next to a heart-shaped Arowana pond. You clap your hands three times and slaves looking like Piolo Pascual or KC Concepcion (take your pick) rush by your side and start feeding you mangga with bagoong. Or, tukneneng with sukang pinakurat.

It’s all up to you. It’s your fantasy. As dreamers would say, “Libre lang ang mangarap.”

 Lifestyles of the Lucky

Too bad for the bitter ampalaya, though. A few Pinoys were born rich, others are famous and have become rich, and some are just plain lucky that it hurts.

If your surname is Zobel de Ayala, Lopez, Cojuangco, Gokongwei, or any of the monosyllables Sy, Tan, Ty, Yap (Yup, I’m the missing heiress. Libre lang ang mangarap.), then Luxury is most certainly your middle name. It’s a given we already know by heart without any tinge of resentment. No news there. Boring. Blah.

So, we move on to more “interesting” personalities, how they spend their pesoses endlessly piquing our curiosity even as many of us slowly die from the Green Monster attacks. Oh, but how we love to be masochists time and again — not just during elections.

Especially when it’s about the Pacquiao family. If envy could strike, 94 million Filipinos would have been knocked out by now. And why not?

Manny is the PHP1.13 billion man. He’s got a mansion in General Santos City, South Cotabato with a swimming pool patterned after — surprise, surprise! — a boxing glove. His home in Los Angeles (in the US of A, not in Pampanga) is a US$2.16 million mansion. Recently, he joined Forbes Park’s roster of proud homeowners with a mansion worth a whopping PHP388 million! Bentleys, Lamborghinis, and Porsches are his garage toys, putting P-Noy’s second-hand 2007 Porsche to ukay-ukay level.

Wife Jinkee is every girl’s object of inggit with her PHP7 million yellow diamond earrings and indecent collection of designer bags: Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Birkin — apparently, nine Birkins are never enough. Wait, did you know too that she’s Paris Hilton’s new BFF? That’s ouch for you and Nicole Richie.

Party animal Mommy Dionisia, of course, is today’s most celebrated bag lady. Her PHP1 million orange Hermès bag says it all. Pretty much like Imelda and her 2,000 shoes or Gloria and her US$20,000 Le Cirque dinner.

Having chest pains already?

But we haven’t even gone to Willie and his wealth yet. Luxury vehicles including a PHP70 million yacht and a PHP200 million private plane; real estate including vacation houses, resorts, the Wil Tower Condominium, the Wil Theater Mall, the Wil Television Station (last one is a wild guess) — can you say Wowowee?

Or, shhh, the “PCSO bishops” and their Mitsubishi Pajero, Toyota Grandia, Mitsubishi Strada, Montero Sport, Isuzu Crosswind, and Nissan Pathfinder.

Hey, you still breathing? Chill lang!

Our Brand of Extravagance

While 0.1% of Filipino families (the so-called elite according to the 2006 Family Income and Expenditure Survey results) squander their cash on stuff that makes the rest drool, 99.9% of us choose to redefine what luxury is. As if we had any other options.

So, what if the coňo revel in their gorgeous PHP4 million Jaguar? You have your own chauffeur-driven Tamaraw FX! For just PHP20, you can ride/sleep with complimentary A/C while listening to Nicole Hyala and Chris Tsuper, and other snoring passengers. Kailangan pa bang i-memorize ‘yan? What do you need 350 kmph for anyway when bumper-to-bumper traffic is the norm in Metro Manila? Besides, it’s a jungle out there come rainy season; a Jaguar drowning in waist-high floods is a pretty frightful sight.

From the jungle, we fly to paradise. Oh, forget the “we.” Unless you’re part of Robert De Niro’s/, Madonna’s/Tom Cruise’s/Mariah Carey’s/ Samuel L. Jackson’s entourage, chances are you haven’t caught a glimpse of Amanpulo, where no ordinary Juan has gone before. With rates from US$800 to US$4,500 per night – excluding airfare (now you know why), we’d rather patiently wait for Piso Fares and go on plane trips even without the free Zesto and/or cupcake. Well, at least the goal to reach all 79 provinces of the Philippines is achievable in your lifetime.

So is going through life without ever having to do your laundry, iron your clothes, clean the house, cook meals, tend to your kids/pets, paint your nails, and make rounds in the neighborhood for the latest tsismis — thanks to Inday or Boy, our dakilang kasambahay. Having a domestic helper may be considered a luxury in other parts of the world, but definitely not in Pinas. She/He can easily be your distant cousin from a far-flung barrio hoping to try it out in the big city. So, you “welcome” her/him into your home, “give” her/him a monthly “allowance” of PHP2,000 (if you’re barat), and you don’t even have to agonize over SSS, NHIP, HDMF, 13th month pay, and VL/SL.

Indulging in your luho is very much possible so long as you have little cash to spare or huge doses of diskarte. A DSLR to join the in crowd? Test your haggling/combat skills in Hidalgo, Quiapo. Spa treatments? There’s always Manang Hilot and her classic ventosa massage. Buffet meals? Fiestas in the Philippines happen all year round; you might even be lucky to bring home some pabalot.

In the Philippines, there are pre-defined luhos to fit every lifestyle or well, pay grade. Libre mangarap, but in the Philippines, certain luxuries can be bought for a song!

The post Onli in da Pilipins: Luxury – Pinoy Style appeared first on Illustrado Magazine - Filipino Abroad.